Current Status

❌ Requesting the chaplain.
✅ Going “oh no, it’s the chaplain.” 🙄

Posted at at February 22, 2018 on Thursday, February 22, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

About Last Time ...

The last time I was here, I was coming off of my last bender 8 months ago.

When they sent their social worker in to try to talk me into going to rehab I was kind of like the little girl from The Exorcist and he was kind of like the priest.

I hissed “Your mother sucks cocks in hell!”

He said La Fuente was a great residential program and I should at least call them and talk to them and think about it.

And that I should really go back to meetings.

In all seriousness, I blew up at him because he asked me if I was a prostitute or a drug dealer. And I was like REALLY BITCH I WORK SIXTEEN HOURS A DAY.

I was NOT happy and I was NOT having it with that smarmy fucking faggot after that. I called him a “twelve step plant,” an “industry shill,” and probably some other choice words. 

Fuck you.

Fuck AA.

Fuck La Fuente.


He tried putting his hands on my forehead and shouting “THE POWER OF BILL AND DOCTOR BOB COMPELS YOU!”

Then my head spun around and I started vomiting green pea soup and masturbating with a crucifix.


I think it ended with him falling backwards down a staircase and the devil deciding in the end that even he didn’t want my soul.

I did not go to treatment but I’m still sober. To be completely honest it’s nothing short of a miracle because I’d probably be sucking on a pookie and taking wino loads behind the dumpster at 7-11 if I thought my heart could handle that bullshit anymore.

6/10 on the intervention effort though. No one else gave a fuck about me anymore.

Posted at at February 21, 2018 on Wednesday, February 21, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

“No Med Left Behind”

“A .. ba ... cavir.”

The nurse says each syllable slowly.

She takes a good 90 seconds to open the foil packet and type something into the computer.

“Dol .... utegravir......”

She sounds kind of like Elmer Fudd.

 “Lami .... vudine .......”

Rip , tear 

Tap ...

Tap ...

Tap on the keyboard.

Her keystrokes are sort of like a slowly dripping faucet.

“Gabapentin ......”

Mother of God. I’m so fucking tired. This is going to take awhile.

“And the baby aspirin .... ?”

We’re five minutes in.

“And we have a, what is this? Do you take the Metropolol every day?”

Nahhhh, sometimes I skip my beta blockers and cholesterol pills and have a fuckin bacon double cheeseburger instead!

Murkah, Fuck yeah!

(I just politely say “yes.”)

She tries to turn on my bed alarm and I’m having none of it.

“We need to make sure you’re safe.”

I didn’t want her to notice that I’m so over the fucking bed alarm right now that I already unplugged the bed four hours ago.

Too late: She figured it out. 

I got a special star for “Bed Alarm Refusal.”

No med left behind, you say?

I have some favorites that are really easy to pronounce!

I had to stop salivating and remind myself that the nurse isn’t a waitress hustling and tacking orders up to the pharmacy window.

It’s not like this is Portugal again for fucks sake.

Ugh, speaking of a slowly dripping faucet, can someone please tell my doctor I’ve been sporting a chub all day and while I greatly appreciate the cute Asian resident who accidentally patted it twice I really need to get out of here so I can empty my balls in privacy? 

Posted at at February 21, 2018 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

So, that just happened.

Nacuntie needs a place to stay.

I told him I have an idea:

I said you should totally go through this alone.

It’ll build character.

Just like when none of you people called, texted, or visited me in the hospital.

Name one person who helped me when I had no place to stay.

Name one person who even fucking asked if I was okay.

Posted at at February 11, 2018 on Sunday, February 11, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


$1,144/year in case you're wondering.

Don't worry, I'm still working over three hundred hours (12.75 days) annually to pay for this madness.

I don't have a contractor husband to steer millions of dollars in government business to or a three story Victorian mansion on the Napa River with a twelve foot high wall around it.

But it's almost like getting paid for 25 incredibly fucking stressful hours annually that I wasn't before.

Inconvenient truth:

The next 30 years of my salary are "crumbs" to Ms. Pelosi.

Somebody please tell Susan Bordo that these people could only hope to be remembered as fondly as Anne Boleyn.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to my other full time near-minimum wage job where I’ll be spending the next ten hours earning one tenth of those “crumbs” today.

Posted at at February 11, 2018 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

"Sad picture of Wall Street traders reacting as stock market plunges."

* Sourced elsewhere.

Posted at at February 05, 2018 on Monday, February 5, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

"So, why are you still single?" Catalogue 46, volume 17.

The first time I was raided I came to learn of an exchange on the air between Madison radio hosts Zak Rogers and Vicki McKenna:

"You know who that is, right?"


"That's the guy who came in here and set up our webcam in the studio."

"That guy?!?!"

She said I was sweet or something to that effect.

They were a little somber after that.

I had been dating one of the country DJs briefly and he wasn't especially impressed.

Posted at at February 05, 2018 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Spoober 💡

I’m developing a hookup app called Spoober that works exactly like Uber: It dispatches you to your next load while you’re finishing up the current one. It’ll get rave reviews in West Hollywood.

Posted at at February 04, 2018 on Sunday, February 4, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


I saw a bumper sticker that says “The closer you get, the slower I go.”

I snarled and woofed.

I don’t think it means what I interpreted it as.

Posted at at February 03, 2018 on Saturday, February 3, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

I'm Goin' Down!

I can't help it. Every time the elevator says "going down," I bust out and sing "CAUSE YOU AIN'T AROUUUUUUUND, BABY! My whole world's UP side down!"

Posted at at February 03, 2018 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


I went to the beach on Sunday. I had no reaction to it whatsoever.

No peace, no calm, nothing washed over me. I left.

I worked for 29 straight days last month. 

Nothing was going to unknot me or wind down the kind of stress I'm under.

I had a stadium to myself again for a brief moment before the event came on.

I wanted to bail before doors open but my customer was like, "Hey you look stressed out. Why don't you just hang out here and relax and watch the show?"


Nobody ever does that. I am not allowed to ask for access or favors but I am allowed to accept.

I shut my laptop down and I kicked it and watched the concert.

I was staring over the empty bowl having a flashback of the night they opened Vikings stadium.

My last year or two flashed before my eyes for a second, just what all these eyes have taken in and where I've been from point A to where I was standing right at that second. 

I have photographic and a good strong visual/spatial memory and if I really want to think about all the pictures for a second I am all but overwhelmed by visual information, landscapes, blinky flashy shit, highways and oceanfronts ... I captured some of it in this post.


I thought about that picture perfect afternoon on Sunset Blvd when I headed home thinking it was "game over" ...

[Narrator]: It was not, in fact, over.

Posted at at February 01, 2018 on Thursday, February 1, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


A year ago I wrote this:

"There's hundreds of people in the group that all think you're fabulous and either want you, want to be you, or want to be your friend.

Being you looks pretty fabulous on Facebook and Instagram ... but I know what's really going on. "

I used to take it personally when she wouldn't return calls or texts or make any time for me.

Found out she flipped out and tried to kill herself and vanished.

10 years into this and I kinda have given up. This is as close as I'll ever be to these people.

God knows I have tried but I was the crazy guy who wasn't worth talking to.

I love her. I hope she's okay, wherever she is.

Posted at at January 30, 2018 on Tuesday, January 30, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


"What happened to you?"

*shuffles feet, looks down*

"I dunno."

Uhhhhmmmm, a bunch of miscreants dared me to go find out where Ice Posedion was live streaming from and to go try to snatch a post-it note with his cell phone number off of his bait phone.

They were claiming they could track down whoever "stole" it and I really wanted to take them up on that challenge.

Some dude was a lot faster than I was and he snatched that bitch and he had run about three blocks away in ten seconds flat. Then I went home and sulked in shame about thirty minutes late for where I was supposed to be.

I had that little voice in the back of my head scolding me: "You're almost 40, what the fuck's the matter with you?"

Then I started giggling when I realized I'm all patched up and about as good as new.

Cue mental image of crawling out from underneath whatever rock I was hiding under and weakly mumbling "YOLO bitches."

But nah, I ain't about to outrun anybody just yet.

I don't have it out for them, they're kind of funny sometimes. Brandon smoking meth or getting hit by an SUV on Hollywood Blvd? 

That shit's better than TV.

Posted at at January 30, 2018 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


I had an interesting dream I relapsed on broccoli. I was eating fistfuls of steamed broccoli and shoving fistfuls of it into a ziplock bag and hiding it in my hoodie. I didn't feel anything and I totally was like fuck this I'm not telling my sponsor, whom I refer to as Wiccan Ned Flanders.

Posted at at January 26, 2018 on Friday, January 26, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Things are not all as they seem.

2:18:30: "weev" (Andrew Auerenheimer) comes onto the #LRH higher than a Georgia pine.

2:21:10: "Nobody has led a greater jihad against the internet than me right now."

2:26:10: Describes efforts to manipulate the media into thinking Papa Johns is the "official pizza of white supremacy."

This doesn't even make any sense. But everyone goes hysterical over it for about fifteen minutes and it's all over the news, right? 

[Fox / Newsweek / Huffington Post]

Or, wait, does it make sense?

Weev claims there was a financial motive: To wit, an immediate 13% stock drop resulting in a 350% return on a leveraged option. 

Takeaway #1: It's apparently easy to manipulate the media.

Takeaway #2: You don't necessarily know everyone's motives.

Q: How does this work? What do the Papa Johns thing, Pepe the Frog, the “OK symbol”, Wolff’s book, and the “Gorilla Channel” all have in common with Muh Russia?

A: They all fit the desired narrative. Goodnight.

Posted at at January 09, 2018 on Tuesday, January 9, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Shots fired!

“I think he [Bannon] absolutely loves it. He sees the media as articulating what they are against. And he sees the media as making it very EASY to articulate what they are against. You just have to point at the media.”

Posted at at January 08, 2018 on Monday, January 8, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

How do you take a low energy leftist meme and make it SPICY?

Spicy Wall from RP_F on Vimeo.

Posted at at January 03, 2018 on Wednesday, January 3, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

The Search for Meaning

“The universe is a cruel uncaring void. The key to being happy isn’t the search for meaning, it’s to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense and soon you’ll be dead.”

Posted at at January 02, 2018 on Tuesday, January 2, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


I was in Belgium last December and somewhere along the line I ended up in Fort Lauderdale for New Years. It was truly God's waiting room for dying gays. Depressing. The same old disco hits they blasted in the bars I worked in day in and day out. On incredibly shitty PA monitors that sounded muffled and had ear-piercing treble. Beer soaked sidewalk. Tacky vinyl tarps and tents. I would have had more fun if I'd just driven the 160 miles to Key West and WENT to the bar I used to work at.

Why, why, why did I think that would be fun?

I ended up leaving that nonsense and driving to Miami for the last AA meeting at Sober on South Beach.

This year I just wanted to stay in bed.

11:37 rolled around and some 25 year old kid I'd talked to on and off asked me to come over. "At least get a new years kiss."

Alright. It's been awhile.

I got over to his grandma's house at 11:55.

Idk where the fuck it was, Asuza or Pomona or something.

You know. Out on 60, who cares?

We talked a few minutes. 12:00 came around. I was nervous.

I don't even know what I'm doing anymore.  I held on to him and we hugged for a long time.

I could tell he needed a hug as badly as I did.

I had a brief mental image of the time I fucked Daniel in the passengers seat.

I kissed him harder.

Posted at at January 02, 2018 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Posted at at January 01, 2018 on Monday, January 1, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Enjoy the Silence

Posted at at December 27, 2017 on Wednesday, December 27, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Posted at at December 23, 2017 on Saturday, December 23, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Dossy the Snowman

Dossy the snowman, had an OC-192. And he loved to DDOS OVH, Undernet, and Yahoo!

Posted at at December 09, 2017 on Saturday, December 9, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Ten Crabs a Crawling

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me: Twelve chunks in my cummies, a 1:11 titre, ten crabs a crawling, nine workers knocking, eight MRSA boils, seven KS lesions, six calls from county, Hepatitis C! Four green squirts, three anal warts, two canker sores, and drug resistant HIV!

Posted at at December 07, 2017 on Thursday, December 7, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

“Run far away to a northern town”

I’ve had a rough 3 or 4 decades.

I’m exhausted.

I’m struggling with the typical impulsivity.

Friday: Why am I dealing with this bullshit and struggling to find anyone insane enough to rent to me? I have a place. With furniture. Clothes. Cable TV. A car. A 42,000 BTU furnace to curl up next to.

I could just get on a plane and go home and be done with all of this.

And then I’ll be in some shithole town with no meetings, and a bunch of ignorant ass kids who are either like “no one over 25, no poz guys” or on the opposite end of the spectrum, so high they don’t care what I look like as long as I can get my dick hard.

The summer recreation’s nice. Kayaking, fishing, nice parks and all that.

Winter though.... I’m too arthritic to go out in that shit and then all people do is drink.

I just know I’ll kinda wither up and die inside.

Saturday: A customer chewed me out and I blew up at him. I am not writing so much as one kilobyte of code for this dude. I understand feeling entitled to a solution but I have several customers who scream at me on the phone and I’m getting depressed and burned out.

If I can be patient and hold it together for a few more months I will not be supporting this product or those customers anymore.

Doing one thing for 4+ years is a new record. I usually get bored after a year or two.

I like writing code, it fires up my creativity and I get excited and inspired and have a lot of fun with it. I have great customers who specifically ask for me. But once you start yelling at me I totally resent working on your shit and I won’t accept your cases anymore unless I absolutely have to.

I spent the whole weekend inventing new swear words and fantasizing about mailing them my laptop and curling up in a fetal position in the living room for the next year.

If things were a little bit different, if I were a little unhappier, if I didn’t like my employer or co workers, it probably would make sense to resign and then go crawl under a rock and take as much time as I need.

My boss said not to ever flame a customer out like that again and that it’s time to stop being a transient and to get a stable home base with high speed internet and a telephone.

Posted at at December 04, 2017 on Monday, December 4, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

“Glitter Phase”

My car’s still in Texas. 

I never heard back from the mechanic.

I haven’t driven in almost a month.


Taking buses and trains.


(A lot of walking.)

(Few miles a day.)

It takes two hours to get to work.

I’ve dropped five pounds this week and I’m under 200 for the first time in about a year.

I’ve kind of liked having a little extra mass about me but I don’t have the right frame for carrying 220# around.

Things are starting to hurt a little less.

I told the guy who owns the house that I was looking to get my own place soon.

I did not go into any detail about why.

He’s a realtor and he said he has a place he wants to rent me for the next three months.

That should be just about enough time for me to finally have a credit score again.

I helped put the decorations up at church today.

Not only does Jesus not spit at me from the paintings in the vestibule (and the the holy water not boil when I walk by) but they’ve even seen me around enough at this point to give me door codes and tell me where the keys are hidden.

Kind of moot, see previous post.

“Oh, you’re handy?”

I have glitter in my beard after all that.

I didn’t wash it out tonight because I like it.

Posted at at December 02, 2017 on Saturday, December 2, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


I didn’t even tell you about the new roommate. 

She broke her bed. 
She broke the couch. 
She broke a chair. 
She broke the toilet seat. 

She orders two pizzas for dinner every night.

When she takes a dump I think she stands up and aims at it as forcefully as possible PPPPPTTTTTPPPPPPPPTTTTTTPPPPP and it’s all covered in caked on backsplatter now. 

It looks like someone sat down on the toilet downstairs and blew their brains out with a .45 Desert Eagle in there. 

Posted at at December 02, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


Nobody moves me
I've been through this life
With no place that I can call my own
Thinking above me
I never seem to find anybody that can feel like home
And I try and I try and I try

Funny how it feels
When there's nothing to say
Trapped with my ideals
I can't contain
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
And it knows my name

Nobody told me
Obsessive needs were always following me around
And you can't ignore me
Look at my face and then tell me my place in time

And he's in and she's in and he's in and she's in

Funny how it feels
When there's nothing to say
Trapped with my ideals
I can't contain
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
And it knows my name

And I try and I try

And he's in and she's in and he's in and she's in

Funny how it feels
When there's nothing to say
Trapped with my ideals
I can't contain
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
And it knows my name

— Amanda Ghost, Cellophane

Posted at at December 01, 2017 on Friday, December 1, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

The Guy Who Never Says Anything

The senior center was locked tonight and nobody had a key.

[Narrator]: Five seconds later...

“Hey! How did you- ?“

“I’ve never let a lock slow ME down before.”

“Alright! Never mind!”

Posted at at December 01, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

“A Dumpster in Connecticut”

I don’t even know what TV show they’re watching in the living room but I overheard a snippet:

“You ever notice how all of his stories are like, this one time, I got so wasted? Or, this one time, I woke up in a dumpster in Connecticut?”

I usually ignore the TV, but —

I snorted a little too loudly at that for reasons I would rather not elaborate on.

Posted at at November 28, 2017 on Tuesday, November 28, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Peeking and Geeking

It’s not even funny anymore.

Dustin just hangs around the house all day, masturbating on Grindr, peeking out the windows, fighting with other housemates, and sneaking out the door to take loads all night.

I can’t get out of here fucking fast enough.

4:50am. I finally blew up.

“Bitch. I have a job and you either need to sleep or go be high somewhere else.”

I think he wandered down to the couch and fell out until about 2:00 this afternoon.

There was a house meeting today. 

He blew up at another resident and started screaming his head off in front of one of the program staff.

Not my circus.

Not my monkeys.

I was ready to butter up the popcorn because this shit right here is better than Telemundo.

The staff member asked me if I was interested in being a safety planning coordinator and I said oh hell no honey, please don’t tell anyone this but I am getting the fuck out of here ASAP.

She pouted and said “Aw, that’s too bad.”

I’m too damn busy working to go look at places right now and I don’t have any PTO left to take the day off for that sort of thing. 

I’m just cultivating a careful facade of normalcy now.

It’s time to grow the fuck up and deal with my shit on my own time.

Dustin’s overcompensating for his behavior over the last 24 hours. He’s all like “I’ll make you pasta!” “Hey, I’m going to put your bed together!”

I’ve been through a lot this year and I need tons of undisturbed sleep and I need some fucking peace and quiet around wherever I call home right now.

I shared about it at a meeting and someone gave me his number.

Nacuntie was being her usual shitty and sabotaging self: “Girl you need to be careful that people aren’t just using you for sex.”

One: Disagree there’s an agenda.

Two: How about, let’s not flatter myself?

Three: If I’m wrong? 

Oh no.

Crawling into bed with some cute gay dude.

No! Please!

Anything but that!


Posted at at November 27, 2017 on Monday, November 27, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

If nobody has told you they love you today, stop being an asshole.

Posted at at November 27, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


Lul @ the women at Thanksgiving dinner anxiously eyeing the two gay guys at dinner for signs of us planning to open a joint Pier One Credit Card together later this afternoon. 

Mom was cornering me like, “Well?” 

“Well, what? He’s like 30.”

I identify as a Bear in the gay community

Specifically, a Panda Bear:

If you introduce me to a potential mate we won’t get along and then we’ll refuse to mate in captivity!

I like chubby guys now, mom. It’s harder for them to run away!

Posted at at November 23, 2017 on Thursday, November 23, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

A Journey from Here to There to Here

Posted at at November 23, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Deeper than Love

Someday I hope for a lover to kill me
It's the closest I can hope to get to anybody
It's the closest I can come to being really free
And there's a ring of questions on my mind lately
Like will I find a love that lasts long as my life?
Or will I die before ever becoming a wife?
And I'm wondering if I'm even the marrying kind
How can I give you my life when I know you're just gonna die?
Is there anything stronger than biology?
Is love being ruined by technology?
Nowadays commitment seems like a burden to carry

I don't wanna think about it
I don't wanna (I don't wanna)
Think about it 
It's too scary

And the closest I can come to being really free

Is letting my lover perform experiments on me
Observe and analyse

And empirically hypothesise

Cos I wanna know real love so desperately

But I think it's gotta happen scientifically

Cos I'm scared

Afraid of real intimacy

You know, the kind they say happens psychologically
Dressed up like a surgeon, you could open my heart
Remove the brain and leave the body in charge
No more emotions taking control
We will pick a part and play out our roles

Further than fantasy, deeper than love could ever be
Further than fantasy, deeper than love could ever be

And the only best friends
I ever made
Were people I knew I didn't have to see every day
The closest to true love
I ever came
Was with someone I kept many miles away
Cos I'm wary of eliminating distance
This could surely be the death of
Any romance
Cos I'm shitty and I'm lame and I'm dumb and I'm a bore
And once you get to know me you won't love me anymore
And that possibility worries me the most
Not harm or abuse or becoming a ghost
It's the closeness, the intimacy
I'm afraid, it might kill me

Further than fantasy, deeper than love could ever be
Further than fantasy, deeper than love could ever be

 — Colleen Green, Deeper than Love

Posted at at November 23, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

[Visiting family intensifies]

Posted at at November 14, 2017 on Tuesday, November 14, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Hard on Me

Posted at at November 13, 2017 on Monday, November 13, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


“You were on the rebound, I was on the road...”

Fuck. I forgot I had a metric fuckton of cookies squirreled away in my freezer.

The new rules are that I don’t future trip or past trip: I only talk about what’s happening now.

(Up until this point I’d pick the needle up off of the record and drop it again in a random place.)

TL;DR, I operate in three year cycles and I never quite get my shit together even though it’s achingly within my grasp every so often.

This blog is an experiment in what needs to be said, what doesn’t need to be said, and how it should be said.

It’s almost time for history to be unkind to some people.

Namely, myself. 😭

I owe something to those whose stories have healed me and helped me walk around feeling a little less alienated.

Does it even matter where I’ve been or where I’m going anymore?

Posted at at November 12, 2017 on Sunday, November 12, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

My parachute has a few extra holes in it.

The local volunteer FD has a message up on their marquee that says “a mind is like a parachute, it only works when it’s open.”

I think I’ve been supporting this product for a little too long because my immediate thought was “a mind is like a parachute. Sometimes it doesn’t work, even when you open it!”

Posted at at November 12, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Idiots Out Wandering Around

I will never run for President because I refuse to say anything nice about Iowa.

I spent about 5 hours trapped behind every mayonnaise gargling minivan-driving manatee from Decatur to Decorah. 

I’d totally love to take my time and let my nostrils and my eyeballs soak in the ambience of commercially produced heifer dung and the season of bleak and misty grey post-Halloween nothingness for as far as my eye can see but I am fuck all exhausted and your drunk, weaving, 40mph-driving ass is the only thing standing in between me and my bed right now. 

I’m like, “the face of god in all people and experiences?” 

Even Iowa?

You know what else I hate about Iowa? All the married trolls rolling through my stretch of the interstate who want to know if I’d like to get my dick sucked through a hole in a door at the “video store.”

Blecch. I am not on enough methamphetamine to drive an hour and a half to let you slobber on my ding dang while it picks up a few wayward plywood splinters and fuck no I’m not spending $360 to get another shot in a clinic 40 miles away from here.

I’d rather just beat my dick like it owes me money and pop one off in less time than it would take to roll the garage door up.

*flicks a cigarette butt out the window*

It was 30 degrees inside the house.

I turned on the furnace and opened the plumbing valves. Flipped on all the breakers. 

The furnace is rated at 42k BTU and the house is about 600 square feet. It’s also a gas pig. It kicked on with a loud and satisfying *FWOOMP* and the living room was a sauna about 90 seconds later.

So, what now?

I’m gonna rest my wings overnight.

Return the rental car.

And then off she goes again. 

It’s either been so long since I’ve been home that they tore out and rebuilt the street I live on while I was away ... or they can lay asphalt down even faster than I can flick out my jerk sauce in lieu of putting up with everyone’s bullshit on Grindr.

“No one over 30. No poz guys. No fats.”

TF are you messaging me for then, kid?

When a boy has daddy issues, “that’s hot.”

But when daddy has boy issues everyone’s like, “you need some counseling, dude.”

Posted at at November 12, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Spoiler Alert

They had a newcomer welcome packet:

It said “welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.”

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on Friday, November 10, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


“You conclude well that poetry is not born of the rules, except by the merest chance, but that the rules derived from the poetry. For that reason there are as many genres and species of true rules as there are of true poets.”

“How will the true poets, then, be recognized?”

“By our singing their verses, and by this, that when they are sung, either they will be delightful, or they will be useful, or they will be useful and delightful at the same time.”

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

The First Day of the Rest of Your Life

Will came over and introduced me to what was then at the time new-ish music.

A Timo Maas track where someone kept repeating “Its the first day of the rest of your life.”

I guess you’d have to be sober to really notice how repetitive it was.

Another track from Hercules and Love Affair: Blind.

I wasn’t trying to get my fuck on.

I just curled up in Will’s massive chest.

And that was all I needed.

When he went home I listened to the song over and over again trying to figure out if there was a reference to Bruno.

I wasn’t sure.

I’m still not sure.

Some people heard Antony singing “I- I’m blind.”

Others picked up “high and blind.”

I swore I’d heard “nine blind.”

But the main reason it struck me was that for some reason it reminded me of an NDE I’d nearly forgotten about by this point.

As a child I knew
That the stars could only get brighter
Then we would get closer
Get closer...

As a child I knew
That the stars could only get brighter
That we could get closer
Leaving thís darkness

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


One of the last times that Wayne was Wayne and I was I, we were perplexed by our friend Derek’s recent behavior ever since he’d bought something called an “iPad.”

Wayne said “He just sits there stuck in a loop staring at everyone’s profile pictures. I think something’s wrong with him. He sat underneath that tree all day. And when I went to check on him he was staring off into space and he had tears rolling down his face.”

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Where was I again ?

I reckon I’m at the point in the narrative where I’m 27.

It’s 2008.

Tina had been talking a lot of shit.

And I wasn’t having it with Illinois Masonic and their butterfly net.

I escaped from that place and ran through the alleyways off of Clark St half naked while their security drove around in frantic circles in their stupid little Jeep flashing their purple emergency bar and shining the spotlight everywhere.

Not my first escape. 

Not would it be my last one.

They almost got me but I was so emaciated I opened someone’s screen door and closed it on myself with me in between their front door and the screen.

The Jeep went off in some other direction and I heard some drunk straight boys yelling down at me and asking where my clothes were.


I said I’d been in a fight with my um, girlfriend, and she’d locked me out of our apartment dressed like this.


They invited me upstairs for beer and they adorned me with random straight boy clothes. I partied with them and complained a little more about my imaginary girlfriend.

I don’t think they were prepared for the actual story.

Then I went off to Wayne’s apartment.

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Let it Happen

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

I’ve got a late night Friday date

With a fierce fucking playlist and a rental car on a desolate stretch of the Oklahoma Turnpike.

A friend tells me it’s snowing.

I haven’t seen snow in yeeeeeears.

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Lighting the beacon.

The lady at the post office was visibly annoyed at producing four change of address forms for me. I need like eight of them but I’ll go to another office for the other four.

In step eight, we make a list and become willing to make amends.

Part of the problem I’m going to have is I don’t fucking know what I owe or to whom.

Then willingness doesn’t necessarily mean I pull $100,000 out of my cunt folds.

It can mean “I have no fucking idea how I ever can, but I’m willing.”

Anyway let’s light the beacon and let it rain bills down on me.

An amend isn’t an apology so if you’ve been a cunt to me, don’t hold your breath.

I’m referring to how George (who falsely accused someone I know of rape) ignorantly gloated about how a person he’d victimized would “have to make an amend” to him.

I’d found the rooms in the first place because he was bitterly ranting about how “those fucking NA people” showed up, helped that guy pack, and whisked him away with a quickness.

I listened intently and pretended I didn’t think he was insane. Then I immediately set about trying to find those people myself.

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Don’t Call

I went into the alano club for a few minutes and all I heard was catty and shady ass bullshit.

I rolled my eyes and left.

Psychic garbage.

This is the group that went around telling people I’m “crazy” and to stay away from me.

(The subject of my “Better Thans: 0 / Less Thans: 0” post.)

If I’m supposedly so crazy and “will never get it,” let’s call VH-1 and have them do a “where are they now?” special on some of the people who were saying that.

A little birdie told me you can check BarebackRT.

So many times
I waited for you
I figured it out
And now we're through
I won't give up, I won't give in
I know, I know
We both say the same things
I don't care, I don't care
About winning
So don't call, don't call
To talk about nothing

You're gone
And babe that's a good thing
I've spent my days working for something
We don't give up, we don't give in
I know, I know
We both say the same things
I don't care, I don't care
About winning
So don't call, don't call
To talk about nothing

— Desire , Don’t Call

Posted at at November 09, 2017 on Thursday, November 9, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Ah, okay.

This is one of the ones they did and this is why it’s weird:

That’s the first one that failed to deploy correctly and needed to be snared out.

I was told “we don’t really know the longevity here-“

I’ve ridden in the shadow of “goodnight, robert” so many times at this point that every extra breath is a bonus round.

I said “meh, it’ll probably outlive me.”

First couple weeks I was like what the fuck did they do to me? I’m worse!

Been on the mend since though.

Fuck all tired and fuck all in pain here and there, occasional tachycardia and syncope but nothing as bad as before the surgeries or during the first 2-3 weeks after.

I’ve walked a couple miles at a stretch.

I’ve even sprinted across the street a couple times.


Breakin the law! Breakin the law!

Posted at at November 08, 2017 on Wednesday, November 8, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Texas in my Rear [view Mirror]

I was driving through Austin debating my next move.

I have a mechanic who I’ve entrusted to ship my cars out before. I usually save a few hundred bucks because I have a flexible pickup timeframe with him.

I thought about going to a meeting.

Then I started remembering names.

Nah. Fuck that.

I decided to just keep going.

Then my car just straight up fucking died on I-35 crossing Lady Bird Lake.

I’m not even mad.

I laughed my head off.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on Tuesday, November 7, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


Ok, that got me in the feels.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Heaven Scent

Little Thérèse
Spending your eternal Heaven
Doing good upon the earth

I ask, please,
Pick a bloom from the gardens of Paradise
And send it down to me
With a message
Of your gentle love

Oh little flower, Thérèse,
Powerful, in every need, body and spirit,
From the heart of God
Please, grant this favor, and now, please,
Confidence, in your hands,
I beseech you

Send me your majestic rain of roses
So that I may share your grace
Bless me with blooms of lily
Blooms of violet
Blooms of buttercups
Blooms of lilac
Blooms of jasmine
Blooms of hyacinth
Blooms of honeysuckle
Blooms of magnolia
Blooms of gardenia
Blooms of tuberose
Let fall from Heaven, please,
The Shower of Flowers
Let me be anointed with the splendor of their perfumed essence
So that I may see the face of God
In all people, and in all experiences.

Oh my glorious sister Thérèse
Prodigy of miracles
Your petals unfurled
I implore your miraculous intercession
Whisper to me,
Help me to always
Trust as you did
In God our Father's great love for me
So that in your fragrant path
I might imitate your venerable little way
and walk heroically
Holding the blossom of grace with me each day.

Let fall from Heaven, please,
The Shower of Flowers
Let me be anointed with the splendor of their perfumed essence
So that I may see the face of God in all people and in all experiences
So that in your fragrant path
I might imitate your venerable little way.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Pay Attention, this is for you.

I found the song in Spotify’s weekly recommendations a couple of days ago.

I had heard the tambourine in the opening notes and it reminded me of Tears for Fears’ Shout.

So I grabbed the phone and played that song instead.

Over the next few days it came up on shuffle and I ignored it.

A couple words got my attention though.

I remember thinking there was probably a message in that bottle for me and that I’d get around to it later.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Eh, bien. Continuous.

A little further along on I-10 I was playing my new favorite parlor game, “Is this anxiety or cardiac pain?”

I shrugged.

Then I thought, fuck it, at least this will be over and my daughter will be in my arms forever.

I’ll just keep going.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Current Mood: Tucson

I was a bundle of nerves when I hit Tucson.

I fired up the apps and replied to a couple of profiles that I probably shouldn’t have.

I shook my head and deleted them again.

Fuck that.

It was 8:30 PM. I decided to try to find a meeting.

Too late for AA.

Too late for NA.

I dug a little deeper:

Too late for CMA.

Too late for Heroin Anonymous.

I called the helpline and got the number for two local Alano clubs.

Both closed.

I signed onto the chatroom and messaged two of the few people I trust.

No reply.


I didn’t want to call Connie.

I tried though.

Her number was disconnected.

She’d given me an address and said I was welcome to stay in her guest house any time. I didn’t need a place to stay but I wondered how far away she was and if it was too late to bother her.

I punched the address into Google.

It was indeed very close.

The first result was its MLS listing.

I clicked through the pictures.

Professionally staged.

I wondered what happened to her.

I got in the car and I just kept driving east.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

After my cardiologist warned me to knock off the road trips, I called Share up to roll the dice and try another home.

The one that I’d already been in had an opening and they kicked the kid who had been yelling at me out.

He’d been blaming me for everything but as soon as I was gone and he continued to throw temper tantrums in my absence they obviously figured out that he was the consistent factor in all of his outbursts.

I paid my rent again and got my keys. I stayed in Los Angeles for a few days while I looked into how I’d go about shipping my car and flying back home.

I had another roommate and although I like him, I had to go again.

We were sitting up in our room watching something on Netflix and talking.

He started talking to himself or to no one in particular, then he paused the video and shut the box fan in our window off.

He told me he was listening to the special forces outside.

I gave him a little side eye and a quick scan. His face was a little greasy and that right there had me thinking he’s on speed.

Instead of “Fuck, Marry, or Kill;” I should apparently be playing “High, Crazy, or Clairvoyant” with the men in my life.

(Stop me if you’ve heard this one before: “WHY CAN’T I BE ALL THREE?”)

He explained that they would circle Gay Days in covered wagons and fuck with all of the drug users.

He paused and listened intently to a voice that I couldn’t tune into.

He said they were telling him “You’ve infected over a hundred men with HIV. You’re a piece of shit and you deserve to have your brains scrambled.”

This was after I’d just finished a grueling 12 hour shift.

I woke up to the sound of him fapping at 5 in the morning.

I pretended I was still asleep for a bit.

But I wasn’t asleep and neither was, um, you know.

Just as I lost my mind and sat up to go put it in him, he blew his load.


I went back to bed.

First thing I did on Saturday morning was to pack up my shit and quietly ghost again for the second and final time.

I decided I’d like to ignore my cardiologist one time and one time only.

Driving a few hours probably won’t kill me.

Spending a little too much time in a 12x12’ room with a spun out pocket gay, with an ass like dat, that I kinda want to put my dick in repeatedly...

Probably will kill me.

I think my dick was half hard until Tucson or thereabouts.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

I usually do all my driving on weekends or after my shift.

I let my boss know yesterday that I might need a few hours to make travel arrangements.

I did intend to use PTO but he misunderstood me and asked why he should have to pay for this out of his time.

I didn’t bother reminding him that I was on a Sev 2 call until 9PM CST on Friday with no lunch break.

I just patiently clarified that I did intend to use PTO.

We aren’t going to go there. They’ve put me through rehab twice and granted me an LOA to get my ticker fixed. If I start keeping score, I’m not going to win that game. So just shut up and work whenever you’re asked to, take PTO when you can’t.

I missed the towing company because I was daydreaming and ran out of fuel. I had no service with T-Mobile so it took two hours to be noticed and get an AAA dispatch.

Well, alrighty then. I have a busted ass Verizon phone in the trunk for this exact reason. It isn’t active but it can at least dial 911 or make a call with a credit card.


Or not.

After upgrading it to iOS 11.1 it now says “No SIM.”

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


I just had a flashback of Daniel cackling at the fact that I'd been banned from the room.

He shook his head and said "Oooooooo. Alex done fucked up."


You didn't think you knew anything about me.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

"Life is now or never."

As far as I know I only have one friend who will drop whatever he's doing and fly into some random town to join me for part of a trip.

The last time we did that was in El Paso. 

That was when I posted about wanting to grab a Tensabarrier and smash one of the pinatas at ELP to see if they were full of candy or seized cocaine or what, exactly.

Everyone else is like, bitch what? Are you crazy? 

He just kinda stayed on after that. Did laundry. Talked to me. I'd been very, very, very alone for a minute and a half. 

He was a little confused about whether we were dating, or what exactly.

I was a little confused because he never cuddled or put the make on me or anything like that.

I liked his company.

Fuck, it was going fine right up until that conversation.

We got along great.

I miss him. 

A younger me would have said sure, why the fuck not, let's roll the dice and run with it.

But the me that I am now paused for an eternity and off he went.

If I was going to date anyone, I would definitely go for the guy who doesn't even think twice about finding a rendezvous point in sone town he's never been in.

Posted at at November 06, 2017 on Monday, November 6, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

I ended up walking into Share as a housing client.

$450 a month for a room. I had keys four hours after walking into the office.

I tried the group home thing.

Mom came out for the first surgery on 9/16.

She had never flown before.

I took her up the 5 to Monterrey. We spent the night next to the ocean. Then I took her and my brother to San Francisco and showed her some of the places i hang out.

She was fascinated with the hills.

She wanted to go across the Golden Gate Bridge.

We also went across the Bay Bridge.

I showed her where I work.

I took her to my old neighborhood in Fruitvale.

"Roll up your windows, lock the doors."

"What is that smell?"


We tried to go down the PCH but there's a bridge out and the road's closed about 40 minutes in.

I didnt get to show her the best parts.

I took some back roads through the agricultural alley.

It was a lot of driving and talking and blasting the radio. Just basically being together and pointing things out to her.

The first stent failed to deploy correctly and they had to snare it out. It ended up being a long procedure and they gave me a big ole' dope slam once they realized they'd fucked up and I started asking questions.

The surgeon was sweet. He came to my room and talked to me latet. He held my hand.

I was flying on dilaudid and god only knows what else, squinting and trying to see Facebook with one eye.

I wasn't about about to waste a high staying off of social media and not ruining whatever friendships I have left!

My brother is autistic and has severe behavioral problems. I was making arrangements with Lyft and hotels and whatnot and I am glad mom came out here and I got to show her everything.

But for the second procedure I just said fuck it, I can't afford the airfare and the hotels right now. I hadn't been working and I was burning through cash.

After my first surgery I couldn't handle hills and stairs. So even though I'd paid my rent, I had to stay in a fucking hotel for awhile anyway.

We had a kid move into my room with cerebral palsy and behavioral issues. He would blow the fuck up and scream at me constantly. I was never anything but nice to the kid and I suspect he was missing a few chunks of his fucking frontal lobe or something.

The day after my second surgery, I was minding my own business reading the newspaper outside with a glass of orange juice. The kid yanked the door open and screamed "I am not a fucking child molestor!"

Then he went upstairs to kick and break shit and scream at everyone else.

I'm from an abusive household.

— I have removed a section about my father here, not because it isn’t true, but because it isn’t kind —

I won't put up with that shit.

So I did a typical me, packed up my shit, and ghosted.

I could have thrown my weight around as a volunteer and gotten the kid thrown out.

They would have believed me.

But I had something he didn't:

Another residence to go to.

And thats when I found myself feeling a little Minnesota for a minute.

Posted at at November 06, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

[ Fast forward to the beginning of this trek ] 

I stopped in some little town on the edge of New Mexico to get checked out.

Froendly little place. I'd live here for a minute.

Other than a pulse of 120 I'm okay. I ran out of beta blockers somewhere along the highway and I forgot to refill them. Typical dumbfuckery on my part.

Posted at at November 06, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

“what they did yesterday afternoon”

they set my aunts house on fire
i cried the way women on tv do
folding at the middle
like a five pound note.
i called the boy who use to love me
tried to ‘okay’ my voice
i said hello
he said warsan, what’s wrong, what’s happened?

i’ve been praying,
and these are what my prayers look like;
dear god
i come from two countries
one is thirsty
the other is on fire
both need water.

later that night
i held an atlas in my lap
ran my fingers across the whole world
and whispered
where does it hurt?

it answered

— warsan shire 

Posted at at November 06, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Just One More Fix

The lights of El Paso are tiny pinpricks far away on the horizon.

I’m not sure if I’m going to make it there.

If I do, I’m having my car towed and I’m flying out of there.

I’m not gonna lie, whatever the fuck that was about yesterday has me a little freaked the fuck out. 

I’m afraid of these dark stretches of highway rolling out in front of me that all seem to resemble that ancient fear of mine.

I am not doing this shit again.

Posted at at November 06, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


Robin and I used to go at i when I was banned.

She had called me a piece of shit.

We were on opposite sides of enemy lines.

When the schoolteacher banned Robin I heard them both out.

I knew who the schoolteacher really was.

She was the malicious harpie who took glee in tattling on me to the principal and bragging to me that she had done so. She was the one who loved turning the screws closed on my coffin for 2 years.

I see you.

I unbanned Robin and made her a legal co-owner.

I demoted the school teacher.

Robin wanted to know why I’d do this for her:

“I was horrible to you.”

I hope she finds herself inspired to forgive some people who “don’t deserve it” someday.

Robin says she will never unban the schoolteacher.

Not never. No way. No how.

I just try to remind her how much she used to hate my fucking guts.

“Forgiveness is a great stress reliever, for we receive it in abundance.”

Posted at at November 06, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Robert finds his zen in a can of lemon Pledge

I liked the time I spent at Share.

I noticed the kitchen had roaches on my first day. I tore the entire kitchen and the coolers apart and raided their nests. I disassembled and sprayed and killed the infestation. 

It was the filthiest and most disgusting thing I’ve ever done. The staff watched me do what I was doing in disbelief. It didn’t bother me.

I’ve lived in Chicago and Oakland and I know a thing or two about cockroaches.

Some of the meeting spaces were kinda grimy and funky. 

So my homosexual ass went through and vacuumed and wiped walls and scrubbed glitter and ink off of the table and Pledged the shit out of everything.

I never attended a meeting there. No one knew who I was or that I was an invisible hand running around making things nicer for them.

It was simple grunt work.

None of the staff ever remember or care who the fuck I am when I show up.

I left that place feeling happy.

Every fucking time.

I realized that if I were to continue being involved with that goddamn website, I would have to be the guy who vacuums and lemon Pledges everything and just stays the fuck out of it.

And while there’s something to be said for being the invisible hand...

It also sucks that the website is no longer a place for me to be a fly on the wall, to make some friends, etc.

But as soon as I show up, I’m the complaint department and all of the drama makes me spiritually sick. I don’t want to be the headmaster, going over everybody’s transgressions and deciding who gets banned or for how long. 

There’s room underneath God’s tent for everyone.

I can no longer exclude anyone in good conscience. It goes against everything I believe in.

I hope whatever people see and experience and witness there also brings them to that place.

I’ll pay the bills.

I’ll make the bots and the chat and the servers work.

I’ll wipe everything with some lemon Pledge on a cloth.

Light some incense.

Air everything out.

I’ll never know what takes place in that room.

It’s a place for a group to carry “its” message.

And to run it however they see fit.

A year from now I’ll be as mysterious and as conspicuously absent as “Connie,” who also had to detach from the thing after a year or two. For the same reasons.

Posted at at November 06, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

A 13 year old kid who was banned from one of the other sites allegedly committed suicide.

I don't personally believe the story, but that too, was controversial.

It had a lot of people (including me) asking why we had to be so hard.

Paw was one of the first people to take a new approach and to be more compassionate.

He welcomed me back after my exile and was happy to see me.

Posted at at November 06, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Current mood: 🤔

I was on I-10 just west of Tucson when I heard a voice.

It told me that I’d completed my vision quest.

That I am not defective.

That I am not crazy.

To tell my story and not accept compensation for it.

And if you think that’s fucked up just wait for everything leading up to it.

I have gone back and released all the posts that I never wanted to. Consider this the highlights reel.

I’d seen a stretch of highway just like this a thousand times in my deepest darkest fears. 

I always thought I’d pull over, switch off the engine, and die somewhere that looked exactly like this doing what I loved most.

And, no, I didn’t relapse. 

But wanting to is / was a part of this story.

Posted at at November 05, 2017 on Sunday, November 5, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

No Souvenirs

Hello, hello this is Romeo
Calling from a jackpot telephone
Shame, shame, but I love your name
And the way you make the buffalo roam
Oh, oh, oh, fly, fly I guess this is goodbye
Oh you packed up your heart
And you left no souvenirs

But if you want me you can call me
In the night you know where I'll be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark the innocent can't see

You lock it up now hide the key
It would mean surrender to let me see
Oh brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
You fell alone like no other lover

Burn the pictures break the records
Run far away to a northern town
Sell your fear and leave me standing here
With no souvenirs

Once, twice I thought it might be nice
To come into your kitchen and play
Cool, cool just a crazy fool
I never saw it any other way
Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait I guess I'm just too late
Oh you made up your mind
Love shouldn't be so hard

But if you want me you can call me
In the night you know where I'll be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark the innocent can't see

You lock it up now, hide the key
It would mean surrender to let me see
Oh brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
You fell alone like no other lover

Burn the pictures break the records
Run far away to a northern town
Sell your fear and leave me standing here
With no souvenirs

No shirts, no shoes
No jackets, no blues
You car's for sale
You forward your mail
You're growing your hair
You don't want to know where
I'm calling you from
Or how come

But if you want me you can call me
In the night you know where I'll be
Broken lover you can touch me
In the dark the innocent can't see

You lock it up now hide the key
It would mean surrender to let me see
Brave, brave soldier keep it under cover
You fell alone like no other lover

Burn the pictures break the records
Run far away to a northern town
Sell your fear and leave me standing here
With no souvenirs

Yeah, yeah

Hello, hello, this is Romeo

— Melissa Etheridge, No Souvenirs

Posted at at November 05, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

I had closed “my” room down after “the bannees” were allowed back in.

I just wanted to be a fly on the wall.

I didn’t want “my own” site.

I went back and threw my unconditional support behind the other group.

Things went well until January or February of 2016.

Then some kid named “Bristol” discovered the old site had no defenses whatsoever against Tor.

And he’d just troll and flood and hack for days on end.

I was mad that I didn’t try that one out myself when I was banned.

I keep telling people I’m not a very good hacker.

I’ve got at least one detective I know who’ll vouch for that.

He tired Robin out.

Connie wouldn’t return anyone’s messages.

No one trusted anyone who joined anymore. They thought every new visitor was him.

No one could stop it.

So it was, defacto, destroyed over there.

I was asked if I could create a new site.

A person who I used to be would have laughed and said no thanks and popped a bag of popcorn to watch the place burn down.

I dug the old one I wrote out of its grave, made a few adjustments, and “shipped it” in about 24 hours.

I thought that would be the end of it.

But I spent at least a good 4-6 months still fine tuning things to keep that fucking idiot out.

Posted at at November 05, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


You can either laugh or cry I guess.

The only arrest I ever got to stick was down in Texas.

I was having chest pain.

The doctor said that I was a scumbag.

And that she was tired of people like me abusing the system.

And to get out of her ER.

Security walked in and told me I’m banned from Seton.

They ordered me to walk up a hill and I was too weak to comply with their orders.

They had me arrested for “criminal trespass.”

The charges were dismissed.

I was scared (or at least certainly discouraged) to go to a doctor again for that (they kept saying I’m fine and sending me home, I had the fuck its after awhile) until I was experiencing atrial fibrillation.

I was visiting a customer on my last day working.

I was trying to replace a RAID card.

I seriously though I was going to pass out or die, something was horribly wrong but I didn’t want to scare my customer by calling an ambulance. I was sure thinking about it.

I wish we’d have shipped the parts to the service address instead of to my apartment. I was stupid to think oh, I can just take care of this first and then go to the ER.

I didn’t like the first hospital I went to. The staff were fuck heads and I wasn’t having it with their condescension.

I ripped their monitor off and threw it in the bushes and drove to go see the guy who patched me up in March.

Now here is why I’ll never bitch about California again or regret turning down the job in Europe:

He’s the one who discovered that both main arteries supplying both sides of my heart were blocked about 50%.

The surgeon thinks they were narrowed and hardened from radiation to my mantle for Hodgkins lymphoma.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that I wasn’t very good to myself over the years.

Normally the location of the blockage would have required bypass.

But I was at Cedars and I had, if nothing else, good benefits.

I saw my cardiologist on Tuesday.

He wanted to know why I go out of my way to see him in Los Angeles.

My life doesn’t make any sense to him but he never asked either.

I told him about Texas.

I explained that he was the only doctor that listened to me.

Instead of saying I “looked fine.”

He was the only one who took me seriously when I said I don’t think I have neuropathy because aspirin helps me. I always said I think I have a circulatory issue.

After USC’s ER sent me home and said I was “fine,” I went to Cedars and asked for a second opinion. He was my admitting doctor.

I wasn’t fine. I had multiple pulmonary embolisms in both lungs.

He kept me for 9 days.

We did my left main on 8/24 and my right main on 9/16.

I told him I trusted him.

I tried not to choke when I thanked him for treating me like a human.

With some god damned dignity.

He gave me the all clear and said come back in 3-5 months.

PS: The first few weeks were scary. I had chest pain and knocked the fuck out all day. I couldn’t walk  more than a block or so, and I was pulling over and sleeping in parking lots all the time. Then I don’t know, one day I was fine? No numbness in my extremities. Not only can I walk, but I can even sprint across the street now.

I did pretty good for a dude whose body and brain only got about half the blood and oxygen they needed.

Posted at at November 04, 2017 on Saturday, November 4, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Hope I Wake Up Tomorrow

Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

I hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

I hope the sun shines brighter,
I hope that I can finally put down that lighter,
And everything I'm smoking,
And my load will feel lighter.

I'm just approaching life with eyes open
And now I'm just a fighter,
I might have done some things,
that God wouldn't like.

But I'm looking at that lightning,
and what tomorrow brings
Looking for redemption in every song I'm singing

We can all pray together
that when we get it that we keep it 
and it stays forever 
I wanna say forever

I'm just looking once and only
Hoping that tomorrow I don't feel so lonely,
If only I was a better man, a weak man said
If I was dealt a better hand

But I don't take nothing for granted,
I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the planet
Trying to make time stop
But he don't give a damn

And I'm moving with the flow,
and everything I know
I know nothing
But sometimes you've gotta let it go.

Sometimes it's cold and you've gotta let it snow
Sometimes the devil says you've gotta feel alone
If there's something wrong baby, you've just gotta let me know.
I can take it, I can deal, if it's time for me to go

And let go of the sorrow, 
I'm just hoping that I wake up tomorrow.

Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

I hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

I Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

-- DP, fortyeighthours

Posted at at November 03, 2017 on Friday, November 3, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Posted at at November 02, 2017 on Thursday, November 2, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

A momentary lapse in judgement

I was at some truck stop in Arizona on Sunday.

Someone approached my car. I wasn’t very friendly.

When I’m approached it’s never a hello, it’s a hustle.

I drove off, but my reaction gnawed at me for the next 13 miles.

I turned the car around and went to find the man to apologize to him.

He wasn’t there.

But there was another fellow on the side of the road who gave me a nod and a friendly wave.

He had cardboard signs up on his van that said he was stranded and needed a tire.

I looked at his van and all four tires had air in them. Ah well, fuck it.

His dogs were snapping viciously from the van window.

I waved and said hi to them.

They immediately calmed down.

I gave him everything in my pocket.

Including a mega millions ticket.

I thought, wouldn’t it be hilarious if this was the one time I had a winner?

I told him to check it and that I hope he wins.

He looked down and said “I guess I’m getting my tire.”

I need to not be a jaded asshole to everyone who approaches me.

Even if I have every reason to.

But that’s not the best part.

My car radio had died several miles earlier.

And I had no cell signal.

I was trying to add some Kim English tracks but it failed since I had no data connection.

As I drove off, I looked in Spotify.

“It makes a difference”


I didn’t know that one.

I pressed play.

“Some meant me well. Others wished me hell in this journey that I’m walking.”

I wept as I drove off listening to the rest of the song with my phone up to my ear.

I had deja vu, remembering the time I had one can up to my ear listening to Higher Things on vinyl with this kid named DJ holding the other can up to his ear at Jamie Rishaw’s apartment a million years and miles ago.

Posted at at October 31, 2017 on Tuesday, October 31, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:


You can tell by the way
She walks that she's my girl
You can tell by the way
She talks, she rules her world

You can see in her eyes
That no one is her chain
She's my girl
My supergirl

And then she'd say
It's okay
I got lost on the way 
But I'm a supergirl
And supergirls don't cry

And then she'd say
It's alright
I got home late last night, 
But I'm a supergirl
And supergirls just fly

And then she'd say
That nothing can go wrong
When you're in love
What can go wrong?

And then she'd love
The night time into day
Pushing her fear
Further along

And then she'd say
It's okay
I got lost on the way 
But I'm a supergirl
And supergirls don't cry

And then she'd say
It's alright
I got home late last night, 
But I'm a supergirl
And supergirls just fly

And then she'd shout
Down the line
And tell me she's got no more time
'Cause she's a supergirl
And supergirls don't hide

And then she'd scream
In my face
Tell me to leave, leave this place
'Cause she's a supergirl
And supergirls just fly

Yes, she's a supergirl

A supergirl

She's sowing seeds
She's burning trees
She's sowing seeds
She's burning trees

Yes, she's a supergirl

Posted at at October 30, 2017 on Monday, October 30, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under: