( I say heart, keep on stomping; I say love, keep on trying )


Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping

I can hear you down, 
(Heart heart, keep on stomping)
Hidden underground
(Stomping)
Your weighted keys reveal to me
(Keep on stomping)
You're not in a place that seems very safe

And some days I had a hard time even smiling
And lately I couldn't lift myself up,
I couldn't pull myself to stand.

And I say heart, keep on stomping
I say heart, keep on stomping
I say heart, keep on stomping

And I say love, keep on trying
I say love, keep on trying,
I say love, keep on trying.

[heart monitor in background]

Because dear love, you're sinking
Dear love, keep swimming
Dear heart, just keep on pounding
Your whole heart must keep on pounding.

And I say heart, keep on stomping
I say heart, keep on stomping
I say heart, keep on stomping

(Not trying to be a star)
(Not trying to be)

I say love keep on trying
(That place in my heart)
I say love keep on trying
(That place in my heart)
I say love keep on trying

That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart

(Not trying to be a star)
(Not trying to be)

That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart

— Taylor McFerrin (Place in My Heart lyrics) ft. Ryat


Posted at at April 09, 2018 on Monday, April 9, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Oh, The Places You'll Ho!



Posted at at March 23, 2018 on Friday, March 23, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

That time I drove for Uber: "I hate this fucking place too."

A lot of passengers ask how I like living in LA.

"I don't know. It's pretty. I work my ass off all night and day and I have nothing to show for it." 

Most of them exhale in relief and say "I hate this fucking place too."

Trust fund kids dressed to kill. They're going off to live it up and do whatever they're off to do.

I've got that whole "on the outside looking in" thing going on.

I want to go to the jazz festival.

Or that art show.

I could.

One time I got summoned up some mountain in the desert just east of Palm Springs to pick up a hiker and I was like, mother fucker, this is amazing. I want to drop this dude off, log out, change into some sneakers and hike this trail myself.

I should have. 

"What is there to do in Palm Springs?"

"Uh, you can take the tram. It's awesome late at night after dark. I like to fuck off and drive around in the desert in a convertible at night. Anything else in Palm Springs, you're pretty much going to need a penicillin shot afterwards."

"You need a what?"

Whoops, I'm talking to normies.

I hate bar time.

I hate dodging drunks and aggressive idiots in sports cars at 2am.

I do kind of like people on drugs other than cocaine.

"Fuck. My edibles just kicked in!"

I just giggle and put on The Orb or Glass Candy or something.

If your roll's peaking I'll rock the wheel a little.

I've driven this fucking thing on drugs they haven't even named yet.

It makes my day when a passenger recognizes some really obscure track I'm playing.

Or they sing along.

"Dude, you're into some Rose Royce tonight?"

Fuck yeah I am.

Having lived and/or been everywhere is an asset. There's a good chance I've been to your hometown and can place landmarks and spots there.

I would almost... almost... almost... consider quitting my day job right now.

Friday's been rolling around lately and inevitably someone comes to me with that one last escalation.

I whimper because it's one after another after another after another after another anymore.

It's been like this for years.

It's always going to be like this.

Posted at at February 11, 2018 on Sunday, February 11, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Growl

I saw a bumper sticker that says “The closer you get, the slower I go.”

I snarled and woofed.

I don’t think it means what I hope it means.

Posted at at February 03, 2018 on Saturday, February 3, 2018 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

“A Dumpster in Connecticut”

I don’t even know what TV show they’re watching in the living room but I overheard a snippet:

“You ever notice how all of his stories are like, this one time, I got so wasted? Or, this one time, I woke up in a dumpster in Connecticut?”

I usually ignore the TV, but —

I snorted a little too loudly at that for reasons I would rather not elaborate on.

Posted at at November 28, 2017 on Tuesday, November 28, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

If nobody has told you they love you today, stop being an asshole.

Posted at at November 27, 2017 on Monday, November 27, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Well...

Lul @ the women at Thanksgiving dinner anxiously eyeing the two gay guys at dinner for signs of us planning to open a joint Pier One Credit Card together later this afternoon. 

Mom was cornering me like, “Well?” 

“Well, what?”

I identify as a Bear in the gay community

Specifically, a Panda Bear:

If you introduce me to a potential mate we won’t get along and then we’ll refuse to mate in captivity!

Finally: "I like chubby guys now, mom. It’s harder for them to run away!"

Posted at at November 23, 2017 on Thursday, November 23, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

A Journey from Here to There to Here








Posted at at November 23, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

My parachute has a few extra holes in it.

The local volunteer FD has a message up on their marquee that says “a mind is like a parachute, it only works when it’s open.”

I think I’ve been supporting this product for a little too long because my immediate thought was “a mind is like a parachute. Sometimes it doesn’t work, even when you open it!”

Posted at at November 12, 2017 on Sunday, November 12, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Poetry

“You conclude well that poetry is not born of the rules, except by the merest chance, but that the rules derived from the poetry. For that reason there are as many genres and species of true rules as there are of true poets.”

“How will the true poets, then, be recognized?”

“By our singing their verses, and by this, that when they are sung, either they will be delightful, or they will be useful, or they will be useful and delightful at the same time.”

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on Friday, November 10, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Stuck

One of the last times that Wayne was Wayne and I was I, we were perplexed by our friend Derek’s recent behavior ever since he’d bought something called an “iPad.”

Wayne said “He just sits there stuck in a loop staring at everyone’s profile pictures. I think something’s wrong with him. He sat underneath that tree all day. And when I went to check on him he was staring off into space and he had tears rolling down his face.”

Posted at at November 10, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

I’ve got a late night Friday date

With a fierce fucking playlist and a rental car on a desolate stretch of the Oklahoma Turnpike.

A friend tells me it’s snowing.

I haven’t seen snow in yeeeeeears.



Posted at at November 10, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Texas in my Rear [view Mirror]

I was driving through Austin debating my next move.

I have a mechanic who I’ve entrusted to ship my cars out before. I usually save a few hundred bucks because I have a flexible pickup timeframe with him.

I thought about going to a certain *cough* establishment that I've already said plenty about.

Then I started remembering names.

Nah. Fuck that.

I decided to just keep going.

Then my car just straight up fucking died on I-35 crossing Lady Bird Lake.

I’m not even mad.

I laughed my head off.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on Tuesday, November 7, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Thérèse

Ok, that got me in the feels.


Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Heaven Scent

Little Thérèse
Spending your eternal Heaven
Doing good upon the earth

I ask, please,
Pick a bloom from the gardens of Paradise
And send it down to me
With a message
Of your gentle love

Oh little flower, Thérèse,
Powerful, in every need, body and spirit,
From the heart of God
Please, grant this favor, and now, please,
Confidence, in your hands,
I beseech you

Send me your majestic rain of roses
So that I may share your grace
Bless me with blooms of lily
Blooms of violet
Blooms of buttercups
Blooms of lilac
Blooms of jasmine
Blooms of hyacinth
Blooms of honeysuckle
Blooms of magnolia
Blooms of gardenia
Blooms of tuberose
Let fall from Heaven, please,
The Shower of Flowers
Let me be anointed with the splendor of their perfumed essence
So that I may see the face of God
In all people, and in all experiences.

Oh my glorious sister Thérèse
Prodigy of miracles
Your petals unfurled
I implore your miraculous intercession
Whisper to me,
Help me to always
Trust as you did
In God our Father's great love for me
So that in your fragrant path
I might imitate your venerable little way
and walk heroically
Holding the blossom of grace with me each day.
Amen.

Let fall from Heaven, please,
The Shower of Flowers
Let me be anointed with the splendor of their perfumed essence
So that I may see the face of God in all people and in all experiences
So that in your fragrant path
I might imitate your venerable little way.

Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Pay Attention, this is for you.

I found the song in Spotify’s weekly recommendations a couple of days ago.

I had heard the tambourine in the opening notes and it reminded me of Tears for Fears’ Shout.

So I grabbed the phone and played that song instead.

Over the next few days it came up on shuffle and I ignored it.

A couple words got my attention though.

I remember thinking there was probably a message in that bottle for me and that I’d get around to it later.



Posted at at November 07, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

“what they did yesterday afternoon”

they set my aunts house on fire
i cried the way women on tv do
folding at the middle
like a five pound note.
i called the boy who use to love me
tried to ‘okay’ my voice
i said hello
he said warsan, what’s wrong, what’s happened?

i’ve been praying,
and these are what my prayers look like;
dear god
i come from two countries
one is thirsty
the other is on fire
both need water.

later that night
i held an atlas in my lap
ran my fingers across the whole world
and whispered
where does it hurt?

it answered
everywhere
everywhere
everywhere.

— warsan shire 

Posted at at November 06, 2017 on Monday, November 6, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Hope I Wake Up Tomorrow

Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

I hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

I hope the sun shines brighter,
I hope that I can finally put down that lighter,
And everything I'm smoking,
And my load will feel lighter.

I'm just approaching life with eyes open
And now I'm just a fighter,
I might have done some things,
that God wouldn't like.

But I'm looking at that lightning,
and what tomorrow brings
Looking for redemption in every song I'm singing

We can all pray together
that when we get it that we keep it 
and it stays forever 
I wanna say forever

I'm just looking once and only
Hoping that tomorrow I don't feel so lonely,
If only I was a better man, a weak man said
If I was dealt a better hand

But I don't take nothing for granted,
I feel like I'm standing on the edge of the planet
Trying to make time stop
But he don't give a damn

And I'm moving with the flow,
and everything I know
I know nothing
But sometimes you've gotta let it go.

Sometimes it's cold and you've gotta let it snow
Sometimes the devil says you've gotta feel alone
If there's something wrong baby, you've just gotta let me know.
I can take it, I can deal, if it's time for me to go

And let go of the sorrow, 
I'm just hoping that I wake up tomorrow.

Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

I hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

I Hope I wake up tomorrow,
and everything just looks so different.

-- DP, fortyeighthours



Posted at at November 03, 2017 on Friday, November 3, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

“Be Alright”

First time I heard this song I was on my way out to California exactly four years ago and I wasn’t sure if anything was ever going to be alright.

I remember saying something about how exciting it would be to have another place to not belong.

I remember shrugging and thinking that this, too, would run its course.




Posted at at October 28, 2017 on Saturday, October 28, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Bukkakke

I had a dream that I was walking across a prison yard drenched in cum. Total bukkakke disaster.

Everyone was smirking and snickering.

I giggled and told someone “I look like I’ve just been hired by CBS *AND* Fox News!”

Posted at at October 25, 2017 on Wednesday, October 25, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

What do you dream about?

I was sitting down next to someone in a dream, kicking it and talking about whatever we were talking about.

He wanted to tell me everything that he dreamed about, and it was more or less a normal life with the woman and the house and the two and a half kids and the cars.

He was a nice enough fellow but I was lost in thought as he spoke and I know he could tell that I didn’t relate to anything he was saying.

He asked me “What do you dream about?”

I thought about it for a second, thinking, well, this will be awkward.

I started off hesitantly: “I dream that you exist.”

I continued: “And I dream that I exist.”

Posted at at October 19, 2017 on Thursday, October 19, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Where Dreams Go To Die

Some other place I don't know where I am.
Some other place where I don't know anyone.
Some other place where I don't have any friends.
Some other stupid hotel room.
Some other gloomy rain-soaked sky.




Posted at at October 08, 2017 on Sunday, October 8, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Reunification (God's Tent)

I'm going to be royally pissed off if there's an afterlife and we're all there together:

"Fuck. Here comes StarsSpergingAngel. Can we get rid of her?"

"NOOOOOOOOPE!" 😂😂😂😂😂

"Kill me now pls." 😬🔫

"Very funny, misterpickles."

Posted at at October 04, 2017 on Wednesday, October 4, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Paw

I had a dream that Tommy (one of our moderators who passed away unexpectedly on Friday) had left a scrapbook behind.

I went to retrieve it.

It was a big scrapbook with a rough red cover and big thick cream colored pages.

I flipped through the pages but I wasn't sure what I was looking at.

Tommy was in the room with me. He explained to me that it was "character development."

Posted at at October 04, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

I'm pretending the rustling sounds are waves of maple leaves gently crashing up onto a beach of patchy and blighted grass and Creeping Jenny underneath my rake.

A really cold beach: 50 degrees.

Let's pretend it's Massachusetts, then.

I'm fucking lonely.


Posted at at September 30, 2017 on Saturday, September 30, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Dawn

I made it through my second heart surgery out in Los Angeles.

I haven't worked in about four months.

I had a dream I was sitting in the front window of the house I grew up in, watching my sister get dropped off after a night of partying.

And then she, and the car, slowly faded away.

I started bawling thinking I'd never see her coming home all fucked up again.

I woke up at some truck stop... somewhere... at the crack of dawn.

I'm afraid to thumbs up or thumbs down anything on this Spotify set because it's dope as fuck exactly the way it is.




Posted at at September 16, 2017 on Saturday, September 16, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Bullet

Time is like a bullet from behind.

I run for cover. Just like you.

Time is like a liquid in my hands.

I swim for dry land. Just like you.

Time is just a fiction of my mind.

I will survive.

And so will you.

(And so will you.)

Kisses on the dance floor in my past.

I need some comfort. Just like you.

Do you hear the city waking up?

I will survive.

And so will you.

We shine like stars.

We shine like stars.


Posted at at August 24, 2017 on Thursday, August 24, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Brooklyn, baby

New medication. I have like 550 T-cells now. That's enough to sell some on the black market now! 

I have been predictably at 200-300 something for a few years and I don't know if that's from HIV or lymphoma but I wasn't expecting to ever have a higher result than that.

And my dreams are very vivid now.

I forgot when I last dreamt, or remembered it, it's only been once in awhile lately.

I had a dream the other night, and I knew I was dreaming, and I asked someone a question, and I would not let up on him until he answered me.

I stared at him for a long time.

I knew he had something to say to me.

Finally, he spit it out:

"They called and let me know to go to Brooklyn baby. 

And I think you're right."

Posted at at August 09, 2017 on Wednesday, August 9, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Rain on a Highway



I was alone, outside 
The stars in my eyes
The tall grass in fall, 
The moon where I lie. 
If you come here you might find
That if I lose you I might write a song about some rain on a highway 

Posted at at August 09, 2017 on by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

My hearts on fire


I was just talking about shroooming with an old friend a million years and a million miles ago. Here's one of the tracks off of that Redemption album:




I ran into him on 18th street in San Francisco this morning and gave him a gigantic bear hug.

I'm so happy I could cry, that made my morning.

I stopped for an early meeting on the way home. 

I was hoping nobody would know me, but I looked around the room and quickly realized that I'd already been passed around this group like the Seventh Tradition.

Fuck.

The first person is supposed to pick a topic.

Instead he rambled on and on.

A few shares later someone said they'd forgotten what the topic was.

I said "Mark" under my breath.

I heard a few familiar old chuckles.

Ahhhh admit it, you're as happy to see me as I am you.

Posted at at May 28, 2017 on Sunday, May 28, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Nobody normally misses me when I'm gone.

My new drug of choice is some boy in group.

He'll lean in and I'll lean in and I could just go to sleep like that in my chair and that'd be okay with me.

He complimented my eyes on Tuesday.

I turned red and ran away.

Today he wanted to know if I was any better at taking a compliment or if I was going to run away again.

I dunno. Try me. Probably?

I was feeling less bashful today when I shared that I was overwhelmed with intense emotions and I didn't know any other way to cope with them other than to crave the steering wheel and the radio and the open highway as if it were a bag of dope.

He lit up and got a glint in his eye at that.

I think a couple people understood that one actually.

Huh.

But oh man, if that's your idea of a good time? That's kinda fucking hot.

Whatever at least I'm not fiending for dope to bury all these intense and unpleasant emotions, fuck it, where are my keys?

I'm going back to Seattle as soon as this stupid fucking group is over.

"I got a war in my mind so I'll just ride."

I suspect these two facilitators hate me and probably can't wait until I relapse.

It's gotta suck to have me on your caseload.

Anyway it's mutual. Eh bien, continuons.

Before I had a chance to bolt out the door he asked me if liked whatever this was about.

"Yup."

He dropped something in my hand and asked me promise to return to group and give it back to him.

I grinned.

Ok, I'll miss him a little too.

Uh, I meant to say, "Maybe. Fuckers."

*Tries to mean mug you all and look hard*

Posted at at May 19, 2017 on Friday, May 19, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

"In bed at 4 PM, I held my pillow and thought 'oh well' in regards to my entire life." - Tao Lin

Posted at at May 18, 2017 on Thursday, May 18, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Thuggish Rugg

He asks, "What is thuggish rugg?"

I look down.

Ah.

Kids.

I pressed play and he started cracking up.

 

Posted at at May 14, 2017 on Sunday, May 14, 2017 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Is it a labyrinth, or is it a maze?

LabyrinthMaze
A labyrinth has a single through-route with twists and turns but without branches.A maze is a confusing pathway that has many branches, choices of path and dead-ends.
A labyrinth is not designed to be difficult to navigate. It may be long but there is only one path (unicursal).A maze is a tour puzzle and can be designed with various levels of difficulty and complexity.
A labyrinth has only one entrance and that is also the exit. There is just one path from the entrance to the center.A maze may have different entry and exit points.
Some labyrinths have a spiritual significance. They signify the complex and long path to reach God.Mazes are used in science experiments to study spatial awareness and (sometimes) intelligence.

Posted at at December 14, 2016 on Wednesday, December 14, 2016 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

About That

"It’s about how God continues to reach into the graves we dig for ourselves and pull us out, giving us new life, in ways both dramatic and small."

Nadia Bolz-Weber, "Pastrix"


Posted at at December 06, 2016 on Tuesday, December 6, 2016 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Oh!

"Well there's one thing I won't miss about America. All the obligatory holidays I'm forced to attend."

(Josh): "There's a loaded pistol in my backpack if you can't take it anymore."

"Uhhhh if it was my own family I'd probably take you up on that."

(Josh): "By the way this an orgy house. Michelle's dad is gay, he's a bear and they had a 6-person shower custom built for orgies. Hopefully there aren't any dildos laying around today, I don't need my daughter seeing that."

"Theyyyy wha-?" Good god, no wonder I don't faze you or your wife.

They were nice people. Her father and his partner were apparently the kind of high strung bears who'd hyperventilate over a carelessly flicked cigarette ash landing in the wrong direction on the patio if you know what what I mean though.

The best thing about thanksgiving was their 5-year old daughter announcing that "Grandpa's stuffing tastes like penises."

"I'll bet grandpa's stuffing DOES taste like penises."

:HORRIFIED LOOK FROM MICHELLE:

Posted at at November 25, 2016 on Friday, November 25, 2016 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Homeward, onward

I drove from Seattle to Los Angeles and then onward to Austin.

I picked up a couple of Russian hitchhikers in Tucson and they kept me company for the next 1,000 miles or so.

I was a little incredulous at their plans to sleep in a tent out in the desert.

"We are from Russia. And sleeping outside is good for you."

They're on their way to Cuba and then South America via New Orleans and Ft Lauderdale. Any other week I would have taken them the whole way but its a company holiday, I'm off all week, and I have plans for Thanksgiving.

We swapped stories and they told me about working as harvesters out in the marijuana fields out in California and all the strange addicts and miscreants they'd encountered along the way.

"Oh boy, and then you ended up in a car with me."

I'm glad they're experiencing the America that I know and love. ;)

I appreciated having some company because Seattle to Austin is a long, long, long time to be out there alone on a highway and lost in your head.

Their English was decent enough. One of them coined the term "minery," as in a "mine," and this prompted me to come up with ideas like a "minery tour" where you drive a convertible around the back woods of West Virginia and stop at every mine for a coal sample.

That sounds fun. I'd totally do that.

I had a sad, and it was beautiful all the same, when one of the girls sang along to Anna Nalick's "breathe."

I told them that was the album/song I was listening to when I was moving out of Key West.

I'd barbacked at the 801/New Orleans house and one of our DJs (Junior) played the Blake Jarrell remix of that song all the time.

They asked where they could set up a tent and I don't really do that sort of thing, so I took them up on the top of the 360 bridge overlook and I  found them a clearing in the woods. It was pitch black out, and boy aren't they in for a surprise when they wake up to its magnificence.

Posted at at November 23, 2016 on Wednesday, November 23, 2016 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Still out there somewhere


"I got lost out on the road somewhere... 
Was it Texas, or was it in Canada?  
Drinking whiskey in the morning light..."

Posted at at October 27, 2016 on Thursday, October 27, 2016 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

America the Beautiful, the Horrible, the Amazing, the Tragic.

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Posted at at October 26, 2016 on Wednesday, October 26, 2016 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Leaving




-written by Jeremy Gloff
-appears on Midnight Blooming (1996)

People are stupid
That’s why I realize
I gotta blow out of this city
Before it blows my life away
My mother’s a dreamer
I inherit her wings
We’re not satisfied
By the simple things at all
When summer’s gone
I’ll be leaving again.

I think back to when I last cried
In my old house
Where you laid by my side sometimes.
Then I realize every time I go
I abandon everything
That I learn to know again
When summer’s gone
I’ll be leaving again

I know lots of good people
With dead-end jobs
Or dead-end dreams
Or dead-end lives
Sucked into their bottles
Sucked up by TV
Stuck in their living rooms
Where they think they’re going
Somewhere.

When summer’s gone
I’ll be leaving again
I’m gonna have to change my state of mind
And leave everyone I value behind
I’m changing
And you’re not changing
And I know you can feel it
Cause I can feel it
I know you can feel it too
Yes I can still feel it…

Posted at at October 16, 2016 on Sunday, October 16, 2016 by By razingeden |   | Filed under:

Went to the desert on a mission
To have a vision or write a song
I left real early, I left my cell phone
I took the Prius, it gets good mileage
Something's gonna happen
To change my world

I'm on the highway
I pass the windmills, I pass the outlet stores
Soon I'll find the sacred places
I've been searching for

Wild horses, hawks circling
Gram Parsons, inspiration
Big cactus, coyotes
Something's gonna happen

To change my world

-- Jill Solbule, Palm Springs



Posted at at November 14, 2015 on Saturday, November 14, 2015 by By razingeden |   | Filed under: