Lunar Eclipse

I had a dream I was looking out my window late at night and I saw a lunar eclipse.

I called out to some friends to come to the window and look at it with me.

When it had passed, a brightly colored symbol appeared in the sky below the moon. It looked like fluorescent colors underneath a black light.

Whatever it was, I was awe stricken.

When I woke up I knew exactly where the fuck I was.

When I wake up I still know this room and I still know exactly where the fuck I am now.

Posted at at August 13, 2018 on Monday, August 13, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

“Because dreaming costs money, my dear...”

It's beautiful out today 
I wish you could take me upstate 
To the little place you would tell me about 
When you'd sense that I'd want to escape

Texas is a land-locked state 
It's a little bit far away 
From the water, from the home that I've wanted to make it
Somehow, in the city, you make it there and you make it anywhere
But I've been anywhere and it's not what I want 
I wanna be still with you

You keep your socks on in bed 
Keep our hearth warm 
"See the trees' shadows lie in black pools in the lawns" 
You're the breeze in my Austin nights

— Mitski, Texas Reznikoff

Posted at at August 05, 2018 on Sunday, August 5, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

“The Highest Thought is the One That Brings You Joy.”

For the most part, retracing my footsteps has been a huge letdown and I would have been a lot better off left with my memories of a given place and a time.

It’s not the place I miss, so much as it is a time in that place that I’ll never get back.

However, I think there’s about to be an exception.

I’m going to return to a place where I experienced great sadness and see where I’m at today. 

It’s not like I’m going to find myself heartbroken if it’s not quite as awful as I recall it being.

Posted at at July 31, 2018 on Tuesday, July 31, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


I lie awake
I've gone to ground
I'm watching porn
In my hotel dressing gown
Now I dream of you
But I still believe
There's only enough for one in this lonely hotel suite

The journey's long
And it feels so bad
I'm thinking back to the last day we had
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

When I'm weak, I draw strength from you
And when you're lost I know how to change your mood
And when I'm down you breathe life over me
Even though we're miles apart we are each other's destiny

On a clear day
I'll fly home to you
I'm bending time getting back to you
Old moon fades into the new
Soon I know I'll be back with you
I'm nearly with you
I'm nearly with you

— Zero 7, Destiny

Posted at at July 31, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

I always figured I’d eventually find the end of a rainbow if I chased enough of them.

Posted at at July 31, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

The Light

On a completely unrelated and sort of related note, shortly after that dream I had another dream where I had a woman standing before me who looked like a witch.

You couldn’t see her eyes because they had white light coming out of them like so much glowing smoke. 

It swirled around her head, I can only describe it as vaguely resembling long hair extensions made of the same light pouring out of her eyes.

She wore a long flowing red dress.

She was one of the ancients.

She seemed taller than I was, yet she was also hovering a few inches off of the ground.

Come to think of it, all of her was surrounded with white light. It was in her, within her, and around her.

She wanted me to wield the light against her.

I wouldn’t do it.
She said “I’m old and I want to die.”

It felt like she was trying to trick me.

I still wouldn’t do it.

Posted at at July 26, 2018 on Thursday, July 26, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


It was a girl in my dream last night and now I remember where else I’ve seen her.

We were both warriors of the light, and the light was sort of a weapon against some sort of opposing forces. 

And we had all participated in battle together before.

I was going to try to direct it at her like a stupid 5-year-old who kills their pet to “see what happens” and then weeps over it.

The only thing was, she was on my side and this wasn’t going to be allowed.

She vanished and dissolved before I could do that.

She was protected.

This makes the spiderweb thing a little more interesting:

She fell through the floor and once again she was protected.

In the other dream we were standing near one of those old basement doors, the kind that open to the outside of the house.

Was it this house? 

Is she the oldest playmate I’ve ever known?

This takes me back to an acid/ketamine trip where I had an apparently unlimited potential to participate in creation and willing things to be.

I had this thought, that if I could create things so easily just by thinking them into existence , then maybe I could d-

I wasn’t allowed to finish that thought and I was sent somewhere else for my own good, maybe even for the good of the creation unfolding before me.

This is a story for some other time.

Posted at at July 26, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Fast Car

I’ve got a fast car,
I don’t trust it to take us anywhere
And it has a mismatched wheel.
Call “Triple A” and have it towed somewhere,
If it dies again I might let her.
It needs new brakes, calipers, and shoes
An O2 sensor or something,
Help me push it, this things gotta move!

We were driving, driving in your car
You broke your strut and your torsion bar
City’s far away, can’t afford to tow her
We’re sitting here broke down on the shoulder 

And I, I
Have spent too much at Autozone
I, I 
Have a feeling something else’ll go wrong
And I, I
Have a feeling it’ll cost a ton
Cost a ton...
Cost a ton...

Posted at at July 26, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


I keep dreaming about the same old house.

I’m given a set of keys to it.

It’s old and it’s in disrepair.

You could fall through the floor if you’re not careful.

But the brick is exposed, the rooms are enormous, the ceilings are tall, and the built in cabinetry is beautiful.

It’s probably been vacant for a lifetime or two.

This dream was a little different, this time it wasn’t furnished and I was watching myself (or perhaps a girl, sort of like an out of body experience) gingerly test a floorboard and fall through, only to be saved by a web of stretchy spiderwebs that gently and lovingly lowered whoever it was that I was observing safely to the floor below.

Every time I dream about this house I decide I want to buy it and do all the work to shore up the floors and then leave everything else exactly the way it is.

I can’t figure out where it is or why I keep going back there.

Posted at at July 26, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Bee Girl

I finally watched that video for “No Rain.”

I gathered it was about being so depressed you can’t get out of bed. The little girl dressed as a bee was all over Los Angeles and something of an outcast everywhere she went.

I could relate to that.

When she found the gate and all the other bee people to dance with, I went “Awwwwe.”

I never found that gate in LA.

I never found my other bee people in LA.

Except perhaps Nacuntie, bless her heart.

“Now that you know it’s nowhere, what’s to stop you from coming home?”

“Went to a strange land searching for a truth that you felt was wrong. Though you’re where you want to be, you’re not where you belong.”

Posted at at July 25, 2018 on Wednesday, July 25, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

The Wedding Planner

Tuesday was Pioneer Day, which is an LDS holiday. Most of Utah was shut down for it.

I had trouble getting an Uber or Lyft ride the first few times I tried. The car was a good half hour away from my hotel but there weren’t any available drivers. 

I tried a third time and was informed that Stella would be there with a Toyota Camry in 24 minutes.

Oh, thank God.

Sheila was 75 years old and had a little trouble staying in her lane, bless her heart. She was going to sign off duty and go to lunch with some friends but she said she had this instinct that someone was stranded because of the town being shut down for the holiday and needed a ride so she accepted it. 

Yeah well, accurate.

We shared a lot on the drive. She talked about her addict son who passed away from HIV 20 years ago, and she had some funny stories about his addict behavior and the aliases he’d disappear for years at a shot under. He’d claim to be the illegitimate son of Anthony Hopkins. He’d get loans for cars that got repossessed two weeks later. It wasn’t a funny story, yet it was, because I just know it’s like. 

I tried not to tear up when she talked about the end of his life.

I told her I was positive as well.

Stella is a wedding planner, “licensed officiant & ordained minister” according to her business card for Affordable Alternative Marriages by Stella.

I asked her if she was, by any chance, ordained by the Universal Life Church.

She said “Yes.”

I said “Me too.”

She looked surprised.

I told her about some of my life’s work.

I asked her if she gets emails from the Rev. Amy Long.

“Yes, I do!”

“Isn’t she amazing?”

I took her card. You never know, maybe someone I know will need some help with that whole marrying thing. 

She said she does Grand Canyon weddings and other landmarks and parks and whatnot.

She was a doll.

It was such a lovely conversation, she was glad she picked me up after all.

I certainly was glad she picked me up. There was just this kinship and incredible connection between us.

When she dropped me off she said “I just have to give you a hug, okay?”

I can’t say it enough, I love people from Utah for the most part. 

Except the ones who funded that whole Proposition 8 challenge against gay marriage in California as if that was any of Utah’s business. Those guys can go fuck themselves!

I actually would really like to live there for awhile but something’s telling me to go home finally and spend and end my life with the few friends I have even if it means we have the next 50 years together.

But hey everyone else I’ve encounter in Utah have been some of the nicest people I’ve ever met in my life.

After the week from hell I couldn’t get out of that state fast enough though.

I’m very much looking forward to going home.

Posted at at July 25, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

"Bumble being"

Jakey described me and my movements as a "bumblebeing."

I smiled.

Someone gets me.

Posted at at July 23, 2018 on Monday, July 23, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Ok, this is a lazy cross-post but ...

Something cool happened today. You’re aware of the car situation.

It did what it does best, stranding me in some fucking desert or in Texas somewhere.

It’s gonna be a $1550 bill and I was totally fucked.

Mom went to my house and checked my mail and found a $4800 check from the IRS.

Me and my car are gonna come home soon.

God damn i needed something to give, very badly.

Could almost cry and I don’t do that bullshit.

Posted at at July 23, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

An old quote from Aeon Flux ...

“That which does not kill us makes us stranger.”

— Trevor Goodchild

Posted at at July 23, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


I’ve gotten a little mouthier, less secretive, and less compartmentalized lately. 

I’ve had a few close calls and I just don’t give a shit anymore. I’ll probably be dead before long and at least a few close friends and relatives can have a few chuckles about how off the wall and how out there I was.

But also, I’ve always been shunned and treated like a fucking pariah. “He’s crazy, stay away from him.”

“Ooooooo he has a history.”

So what the fuck ever. I’m always going to be treated and looked at a certain way by the community, and it doesn’t matter if I watch my P’s and Q’s and yessums and curtsy properly, I don’t have any friends anymore and not really many people give a fuck that I exist, what I have to say, or what kinda outcome I have. 

But I do get the occasional random note that something I said helped someone somehow.

So hey, look. I’m on the permanent blacklist, I will never be extended acceptance or inclusion whether or not I give a shit enough to pretend to be normal or cultivate any kind of facade.

Fuck, they even hate me in AA.

Let’s not even talk about my SMV or dateability here.

And I’m probably out of the workforce at this point.

So heh, hey there, I’m socially unacceptable, unemployable, unfuckable, unfriendable. Have I covered most of the bases for one’s sense of self worth here? Looks like you’ll have to find some other shit.

I have nothing to be afraid of anymore.

So why not say what I have to say?

What did you do with your life?

Where have you been?

Where are you right now?

What do you believe in?

Oooo, you were totally normal. Good for you.

I can at least say it’s been interesting and colorful and at times fun, except when it wasn’t. 

I accomplished some shit I can be proud of. Though it’s bad form to mix this kind of dialog with anything that has anything to do with my career.

The people I did all of that for would be stunned beyond belief if they had any idea what kinda obstacles I had overcome on my way to them. 

Hey this guys really good at solving problems!

Shit, you have no idea.

You have no idea.

You have NO idea.

But yes. 

I am fairly decent at solving problems that no one else can solve. Being people’s rock. The guy who doesn’t crumble or cave when shit is “not looking good.”

Wonder where the fuck I got that from.

I have held my secrets about where my strength and whatever assets I have came from very close to my heart.

My last job..... they kinda knew.... I had a few screws loose and had been on a wild ride.

They accepted me unconditionally anyway.

They were very kind to me.

And maybe they laughed off my idiosyncrasies or whatever wild stories they’d heard or found on Google, but it was still the only place I ever felt useful, valued, respected, and taken exactly the way I was. I looked forward to my days.

I know a lot of people who would be offended to have had a Christian boss who’d say something like “Welcome back to God’s country” whenever I drifted back to Texas.

But it was nice being welcomed anywhere.

And that was a pretty nice characterization of Texas.

I got along for the most part with the rural folk all my city liberal friends would mock or sneer at.

Even (and especially) (gasp) Christians and Republicans too.

The horror!

I’m happy that I was the kind of person who could appreciate this kind of stuff.

You’re the ones missing out.

I actually don’t want to be like any of you.

I’m an accepting person.

I can say I was (usually) kind when presented with the stranger, and if I wasn’t at least I knew I’d fucked up and failed the test and would get it right next time.

I’m really lost without that in my life right now but I’ll find my way again. 

I always do.

I’m a little raw because I’ve been stranded in the fucking desert for five days wearing the same clothes, stinking like a motherfucker, car probably won’t be fixed until Tuesday and while I have an outpouring of unconditional love from the people that matter to me, none of them can really do shit for me out here. 

I just have to deal with the fucking situation I’m in.

And I will, thank you very much.

Annie or my mom or maybe even one of two of my co-workers would come pick me up right now if I just asked. I have the nuclear option right here in my contacts app if I need it. I am not 100% fucked and I am not 100% on my own, even when it feels like it.

I had $3,000 set aside to get a place when I got home. And now half of that’s going into the fucking car again.

And that’s how it’s always gone.

So close to making it.

So close to turning the corner.

And something fucking blows up or goes wrong.

I get critically ill. I get laid off from a job. 

I get thrown in jail for some shit I didn’t do, such as that story I posted about George. Apartment gone, all my shit dragged to the curb by the sheriff. You know, various forms of fucking life ruin because I wouldn’t fuck or date someone who turned out to be incredibly vindictive — thereby not exactly proving my judgement wrong.

I dust myself off and I continue along my way.

But that can only happen so many times before you’re fearful and insecure about the future at all times, living your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You can only pair bond so many times in your life and you’re done for. I think I hit my quota. I don’t want to love or trust anyone again. 

But that doesn’t mean... I can’t be of service to others and find other things to do with my life.

And I do that.

So hey, I’m a little stressed out.

I’ve been tested. 

You’ve no idea what I’ve survived but I don’t carry myself like a broken bird who should be pitied. I carry myself like the strong person I have become. 

I try to make the stories funny even though, honestly, some of them really aren’t and weren’t that funny as they unfolded.

I’m a known quantity.

I’m still a nice person.

I have great compassion for others.

I don’t think I have a goddamned thing to be ashamed of.

I’ve watched a few of my peers get older and crumble over things like being foreclosed on or divorced or whatever, and then they just fucking lose it. 

Let me tell you what I figured out about sobering up.

“It” doesn’t necessarily get better.

“It” doesn’t necessarily get easier.

“You” get better.

That’s the only promise you can look someone dead in the eye and make to them.

I just want you to know that all this time I was the friend you never knew you needed.

I’ve got this premonition about how my overall systems are doing and it’s not a good one.

It still fucks with me the way David stared at me and told me my hearts going to blow up and nobody’s going to be there.

The tears in his eyes when he said that.

I worry that he’s right.

I have no explanation for how he arrived at that.

God is present in everything though.

Do you understand?

I was given a vessel and a volition to do with my experience whatever I was going to do with it, and for god only knows what reason, this is what I did with it.

Posted at at July 23, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

And this month, my car died in ...

I’m glad we don’t live forever but if we did and if I’d been here since the beginning of time, I think I would have liked to have spent most it sitting down and watching the geography of Utah bursting through the crust of the earth and being carved and whittled and whistled away by the eons to the psychedelic rock landscape it is today for a million or two or three years. I would have been as fascinated as a little kid watching each layer of sediment pile on top of the next at a glacial pace and then watching the wind carving away at it for all of eternity.

But it’s not so bad getting a glimpse of the finished product from the passenger seat of a tow truck on I-15 either.

Posted at at July 21, 2018 on Saturday, July 21, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

102 Stories About Leaving Chicago

I declined to write about the Popper Nazi back in 2009 because I wasn’t going to let him or his friends taste my tears. They were already leaving nasty comments on my blog and calling me from all over the country as it was.

There once was a faggot named George Zelichowski who referred to himself as George St George. George entertained delusions of being a local celebrity on the basis of photographing intoxicated people for an irrelevant rag known as Gay Chicago Magazine.

The Gay Chicago was a breathtaking work of profound literary genius where one could peruse photographs of intoxicated people in their underwear and glossy color ads for lube and vodka. George was their “paparazzi” and guide to the local stars and bars.

George is a vexatious litigant and he carried a two inch thick folder with him everywhere he went at all times. Including and especially the bars. 

I know what’s in the folder. It’s all of his police reports and restraining orders and allegations against the various men and/or roommates in his life who have spurned or slighted him in some way. If one of them shows up at the bar, George waves the contents of his folder at a bouncer and demands that the person be ejected from the premises. 

There’s a little bit of everything in the folder: Rape charges. Battery charges. Harassment charges. I’ll admit that I fell for it and felt sorry for him too.

Eventually I woke up and realized he’s a vindictive and malignant faggot of the first order so inevitably the day came that I had to remove him from my life like the cancer that it was.

I think it had something to do with him suggesting that I put a Nazi flag in my apartment window to intimidate my elderly Jewish neighbors.  That's about when I started reaching peak discomfort.

He was summarily dismissed and thereafter referred to as the Popper Nazi.

I have very little doubt that his social media feed is chock full of “Love Trumps Hate” and bullshit about Nazis.

He didn’t handle rejection well: One of the tools employed by vindictive and malignant faggots of the first order is fucking with moms. He trolled my mom by emailing her and saying my apartment was full of syringes. Acting like he was taking care of me or something when I’m the one who got him an apartment. They had to send her home from work. 

I was stone cold sober, had been for months, and if you had come into my apartment the only thing you might have observed was me fucking around with a record player and a mixer. 

He already had one arm in a cast and I informed him that if he ever contacted my mother again I would break his other arm and shove it up his ass.

This prompted him to file an assortment of false police reports but he claimed the incidents occurred on days I was 100 miles away at work, recorded by cameras and badge swipes.

Since they weren’t taking him seriously, he upped the ante and cut his own lip and then wandered over to my front yard. I noticed him taking pictures of my car and trying to open the doors. I started recording him and called the police. I continued recording as I walked outside and calmly asked him to leave.

He told the arriving officers I was his boyfriend and that I had just punched him.

I spent seven months in and out of court. He kept missing dates and claiming that he was deathly ill and had cancer treatments to attend.

I started becoming an avid reader of the Gay Chicago Magazine. I cut out all the photos of him smiling with musicians, and his printed recollections of how fabulous his nights at the bar before his missed court dates were.

People contacted me to taunt me and harass me and my family from all over the United States, and this has a lot to do with why I don’t have comments enabled. 

I successfully obtained a restraining order against him. I also got a new social security number and a sealed name change order just because I could. 

He tried to ruin my life but instead I quickly qualified for a mortgage. Thanks, George.

Mom got to where she’d answer the phone and when someone from George’s little personal army told her I’m a drug addicted whore she would roll her eyes and say “Yes. Where do you think he got it from?”

I went back to court with the badge swipe reports, the camera footage from the incident, and all of the Gay Chicago excerpts.

I saw that simpering little fuck sitting over there smirking but that smirk disappeared quickly when someone walked up to him with the restraining order and said “This is for you.”

That day, I was given a long hard stare by the States Attorney. I don’t know what she said to him but I could see them through the glass. She looked pissed off and he was shrinking in his chair. 

They went to chambers and I heard her yell “Did you know your client has an active restraining order against him in Wisconsin? I’m over this case.”

In the courtroom we all heard her scream “I’M OVER IT. I’M OVER IT. OVER IT.”

She slammed the door.

The next time we went to court, I waited several hours to be called on. 

I looked up at the wall, which had an “In God we Trust” poster.

I couldn’t even be bothered to be offended by this intrusion of the church upon the state. I just sighed and thought “I might as well, I don’t trust anyone else.”

When it was my turn to go up, he had once again failed to appear.

After an hour or two had passed, the judge (who I guess had not really seen me as particularly memorable up until that point even though I'd been to her bench several times now) pointed at me and asked "Who is that nice young man in the back? He has been here for a long time."

This time the States Attorney had reviewed the magazine clippings documenting his exhilarating nightlife excursions and she wasn’t sold on the illness excuse.

“He left a message and said he has H1N1.”

I mumbled “Hah, more like T1NA.”

The States Attorney whipped her head around at me for a moment and then she moved to dismiss.

Yeah, I know you know exactly what the fuck that means honey. Lol.

I prevailed but it had been an ordeal and the joy was kind of sucked out of my life anyway. I lost interest in music and writing and I started drinking again. I was in a dark place and nobody cared.

I used to feel wronged by the fact that people think I punched George St. George, but things have changed and now I could only be prouder if I actually had punched that sorry little fuck's face in.

Posted at at July 09, 2018 on Monday, July 9, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

“Save it for your own and the ones that you can help.”

Turning 38 kind of went like this:

I wished Rob C a happy birthday. He just said thank you and nothing further.

Even mom forgot about my birthday.

Freddie said “hi” and didn’t respond for two days. I swear to Christ I’ve loved him almost as much as his mom for over 12 years now but I told him “if you ever do come to your senses and ask me out I will blow you off for the next twenty years.”

He replied “dayyyyyyyyum.”

Yeah well, what do you want from me? I've sat around staring at that stupid fucking phone waiting for you to decide if and when I'm worth talking to for a very very very long time.

I directed my attention to the chatroom next. I haven't had the balls to tell Robin that her bitterness is cancerous and that everyone's afraid of her and I need to forgive certain people and move on from whatever happened in order to grow from here.

I don’t want to drink from the bottomless well of their various resentments against each other or listen to people who want all of the “authority” without realizing that it comes with “responsibility” (and bills) that I never wanted or asked for.

I guess all I wanted for my birthday was my life back.

Posted at at July 07, 2018 on Saturday, July 7, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


Nobody moves me
I've been through this life
With no place that I can call my own
Thinking above me
I never seem to find anybody that can feel like home
And I try and I try and I try

Funny how it feels
When there's nothing to say
Trapped with my ideals
I can't contain
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
And it knows my name

Nobody told me
Obsessive needs were always following me around
And you can't ignore me
Look at my face and then tell me my place in time

And he's in and she's in and he's in and she's in

Funny how it feels
When there's nothing to say
Trapped with my ideals
I can't contain
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
I'm wrapped in cellophane
And it knows my name

And I try and I try

— Amanda Ghost, Cellophane

Posted at at July 07, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Declaration of Independence

I will not pour my heart into people who don’t love me back.

I will not seek acceptance from people who don’t have an accepting nature. 

I will not waste my days and nights doing bullshit that I don’t enjoy for free.

I will not make my living performing tasks that I hate doing.

I will not suffer people who treat me indifferently and take me for granted.

If I must walk alone, then I will walk alone without you.

Posted at at July 07, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Somewhere That’s Green

There’s tagged cars on the grass 
And we’re all fucked up on weed 
I cook like Walter White,
And I'm obsessed with ICP
There's plastic on the furniture 
J-Lube and Vaseline, 
In the popper scented air, 
Somewhere that's greeeeeen. ❤️

Posted at at July 07, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

QAnon (“Q”)

If you are unfamiliar with the most infamous larp in imageboard history, “Q” is said to mean a “Q level” security clearance. 

Let’s say that “larp” is slang for role play and that “imageboards” are the chans: 4chan, 8chan, etc. If you are just interested in Q then it is simpler to read one of the archives of Q’s posts such as

The reader is supposed to suspend their disbelief and trust the individual(s) posting as Q because they supposedly have access to classified information and the President himself has given Q his blessing to leak it. That’s the basis of its claims of credibility.

Conveniently, you can’t review this hypothetical classified information to call Q out on their bullshit and neither can anyone with most traditional security clearances.

Anyone with a Q clearance has a National Security Critical or Sensitive position and I couldn’t think of a more criminally irresponsible person to fill one of those roles with than someone who gets on some forum like 4chan to blab about their sensitive role or their access privileges — let alone divulges any of the information they have access to. 

But you’re being asked to believe that this is exactly what’s going on. 

Once you’ve moved on from the origination story and accept Q’s ongoing claims you are lulled into a seductive (but false) sense that justice will be served. 

That it will be swift and that things are under control. The bad guys will get what’s coming and good will prevail.

It’s just a gram of soma. You don’t have to take any action or do anything, keep walking in your sleep.

Trump and his administration are the heroes of Q’s story so you have a faction of his supporters who totally lap this shit up. As long as they’re under Q’s spell they won’t be making any fuss or writing any letters or preparing to burn shit because the indictments aren’t happening yet.

(You’re not allowed to call Q-tards stupid if you’re still holding your breath for the outcome of the Mueller investigation.)

Q is either the best larp 4chan has ever seen or it is a psyop. 

Posted at at June 28, 2018 on Thursday, June 28, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

All Nighter

I need to stay up until about 5:00am. 

Energy drinks are out of the question. I’ll never fall asleep.

I could try drinking half a bottle of Jack Daniels and pretend someone took all my money and promised to be RIGHT back with an 8-ball. 

That’ll keep you up until four? five o’ clock in the morning?

Posted at at June 25, 2018 on Monday, June 25, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


I felt nothing driving down I-275. The water wasn’t sparking or as colorful as I remember it. I stuck my middle finger up at Tampa (and possibly Jeremy Gloff) as I passed. 

The year was 2006 and Freddie had just broken up with me and I was a disaster. Jeremy trapped me in his Oldsmobile and did this Clockwork Orange thing with me where he wouldn’t let me out of the car until I listened to Madonna’s Confessions on a Dance Floor as we drove across the ... what is it called, the sunshine skyway or something like that? He was like “Before you get out of my car you will be gay and you will like Madonna.”  I didn’t know what to do with myself. I grieved, I drove. And I drove. And I drove. And I never really stopped driving after that.

Stupidest imaginable time of year to go to Key West. I’m sunburnt, I’m drenched in pouring sweat, and my hair is a mess.

I parked my car across the street from the dumpsters where there used to be a magnolia tree infested with Gypsy Chickens. A rooster shit on my head there one night when I was washing the dumpsters and it cackled at me — I swear that fucker laughed — until I took the hose to it. It freaked out and flew across the street and smacked straight into a two story building that is no longer standing, has since been paved, and is now a public parking lot.

I'm trying to do the math in my head about that, and at 100% occupancy that lot probably makes $12,000 a month which is a hell of a lot more than that run down old building could have leased for.

Back to the story:

It was my turn to laugh at him. The next night his whole harem of hens had left his tree.

I had been vegetarian for I dunno, twelve years up until then but I marched right into the Conch Reserve for lunch and asked if the chicken was local. I took my sandwich back to work and made eye contact with the fucker as I ate his cousin.

Now shush, I know the Gypsy Chicken is a protected species and that their meat is too tough and sinewy to make a good sandwich out of but I am telling you a story here, just roll with it.

I wish I could say I had a good time sweltering in the sun and listening to train wreck karaoke spilling out of every other door.

Jimmy Buffett is a legendary asshole by all local accounts but it’s impolite to roll your eyes when tourists ask about him. I have no opinion one way or the other, he gets all sorts of boomer cucks to come down to Key West and spend money.

So this guy’s singing “Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw.”

I’m out there on Duval making up my own lyrics: “So bartender, bring a pistol. Chamber up a round or two. Honey why don’t we play Russian Ru-“

I stumbled a few doors down. Some hawker yells “I’ve got TITTIES upstairs!” and I told him the last time I went up there I had bigger tits than the performer did. 

Now if I was working the door and you’d said some shit like that to me I would have jokingly offered you a job.

I stop at the bar I used to work at. Inevitably I'll chat up a drag queen I don't recognize and ask her how long she's been working at the 801. And every time this happens they try to lie and tell me they're local as hell and they've been in the cabaret for 10 or 20 years. And every time this happens I look them dead in the eye and tell them that I know I look young, but I've worked at this bar twice in the last twenty years, I stripped at Numbers by the Sea twenty years ago before they tore that shit down, and I worked at the Barracks in Daytona before they shut that shit down for its little "cocaine and bathroom sex" problems. I know all of the staff and all of the girls here, but I do not recognize you. I asked you for your story, not your "story," honey.

Where are you really from, 'cause you seem nice and I'm genuinely interested.

You sound like you're from.... Maryland or some shit like that?

I thought maybe I’d go on a sunset sail or a glass bottom boat tour or maybe just visit the Bahia Honda State Park and wade around in the water and pray that I don’t get a case of flesh eating bacteria.

(Or just go home.)

Here you go. Some stupid fucking palm plants. I’ll take a picture of a trailer or an alligator if I see one before I go.

Posted at at June 25, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Hoo, hoo!

Posted at at June 25, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Dark Night

I stayed up all night as the black sky had brightened 
No reason to sleep, there was nothing worth waking for
The look on my face half serene and half frightened 
No reason to dream there was nothing worth dreaming for
I took life in stride and said I’d never give in
For ever failure dealt me I laid down a win
But this day I realized there was no end in sight
I would live alone, die alone, sleep alone at night 
All life was about was some sick god’s game
The end game was sorrow, loss and pain
Just when things get better it’s fucked again 
It’s really no wonder I’m all fucked in the brain.

Posted at at June 20, 2018 on Wednesday, June 20, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


Posted at at June 17, 2018 on Sunday, June 17, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Let Him Roll

He's a wino, tried and true. 
Done about everything there is to do. 
He worked on freighters, he worked in bars. 
He worked on farms, 'n he worked on cars.

It was white port, that put that look in his eye 
That grown men get when they need to cry 
And he sat down on the curb to rest 
And his head just fell down on his chest

He said "Every single day it gets 
A little bit harder to handle and yet" 
And he lost the thread and his mind got cluttered 
And the words just rolled off down in the gutter

Well he was elevator man in a cheap hotel 
In exchange for the rent on a one room cell 
He's old in years beyond his time 
Thanks to the world, and the white Port wine

So he says "Son, " he always called me son 
He said, "Life for you has just begun" 
And he told me a story that I heard before 
How he fell in love with a Dallas whore

Well he could cut through the years to the very night 
When it ended, in a whore house fight 
And she turned his last proposal down 
In favor of being a girl about town

Now it's been seventeen years right in line 
And he ain't been straight none of the time 
Too many days of fightin' the weather 
And too many nights of not being together

So he died

Well when they went through his personal effects
In among the stubs from the welfare checks 
Was a crumblin' picture of a girl in a door 
An address in Dallas, and nothin' more

The welfare people provided the priest 
A couple from the mission down the street 
Sang Amazing Grace, and no one cried 
'Cept some woman in black, way off to the side

We all left and she was standing there 
Black veil covering her silver hair 
And 'ol One-Eyed John said her name was Alice 
And she used to be a whore in Dallas

Let him roar, Lord let him roll 
Bet he's gone to Dallas Rest his soul 
Lord, let him roll, Lord let him roar 
He always said that heaven 
Was just a Dallas whore.

-- Guy Clark, Let Him Roll

Posted at at May 26, 2018 on Saturday, May 26, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

The US-101

Just as I thought I had finally broke free
I saw three miles of taillights in front of me 
The city was so grey today
And I’d almost reached the sun 
But it was bumper to bumper on the US-101

There’s an exit to the right.
I’d turn on my blinker,
But it’s not polite to do that on the US-101

Traffic inches forward on a one way street
Lined with clapboard houses I could never afford
Oh Lord, you won’t even buy me a Honda Accord
The street signs have an italicized cartoon font 
You can even live here if you want 
There’s Sothebys and Keller and Century 21
With convenient beachfront access and the US-101

There are no restaurants here,
There are no stores.
I wonder what people in this town even eat.
They must breathe in the air and get the nutrition they need from their earbuds and iPods as they jog with their dogs 
Making better time in the bike lane
Than all the people like me
Trying to break free
From the traffic situation on the US-101

I’m being passed by a skateboard
The occasional bike 
A waving shirtless jogger
Some guy in a green Prius
Who must think that his car is a bike
I’ll see him again soon on the US-101

At every other intersection
A disembodied voice says “turn left here.”
No thank you. 
I am not going anywhere near the US-101

Until I reach the reason for the delay:
A woman with a wrecked Mercedes
Being towed away 
Second driver today
Who had managed to have spun
Across all three lanes of the US-101

Wrapping a fur coat around her tightly 
It’s cold outside but she looks okay 
Her yellow lab is relaxing in the sun
With his tongue sticking out,
Tail happily wagging 
It looks like he’s been having fun today
On the US-101

Top down at the rest stop in Gaviota
With a wide open throttle
Escaping the last several inches
of the traffic and the smog from LA
Where the freeway ends 
The PCH begins
And I have exactly three hours left
Until the ranger chases me away

Posted at at May 22, 2018 on Tuesday, May 22, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Naming Conventions

If some evil mean mess can put on a wig and demand that from now on we all address her as "Octo Goddess" and you are all like "yes queen, slay" as you obediently comply with that request, then you can stop hissing and rolling your eyes or pretending you're confused when I introduce myself. 

Freddie told his friend Jeff he doesn’t even know what my last name is anymore. I didn’t miss a beat asking him if I could have his. As usual, no response.

Posted at at May 21, 2018 on Monday, May 21, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


Nacuntie sashays up to me on the sidewalk.

I gave him the once over and asked "Holy shit, are you still sober?"

He gives me the once over and shrieks "Bitch, how are you still not dead? Girl. I have been lighting candles for you. I have been saying prayers for you."

"Were you summoning me with black candles and a pentagram drawn on the floor by any chance? Poof! Here I am!"

I haven’t been back to the house in 5 months and I showed up just as the gas stopped working. 

I told them someone probably kicked or bumped the gas meter and tripped the earthquake valve.

Grab me a jewelers screwdriver and I'll show you where it is.

I went downstairs and caught a whiff of gas in the basement. I re-lit the pilot on the water heater. How they manage to not blow the house up when I'm not here is beyond me.

They put on coffee and they're watching MSNBC. Something about Trump, Giuliani, Russian Collusion. All I can think of...

Princess Carolyn: "Bojack! Are you watching MSNBC right now?"

Bojack: "Great question! Well, I didn't fall down on my remote, randomly changing the channel to MSNBC, while simultaneously crippling myself thus forcing me to watch MSNBC, so no. I'm not watching MSNBC right now!"

Dustin’s run off to San Francisco, where I’m sure he’s peeking out the blinds and masturbating on adderall at the community college. We have some new guy who likes to garden and plant flowers. I think I prefer him.

I am told that I just missed the Secret Service showing up at the house on Friday because of somebody’s Mein Orange Cheetoh Drumpf Hitler social media outbursts.

They called all the phone numbers on the whiteboard.

I don’t have a computer or a social media account and they’re welcome to look at my phone. I’m pretty sure that when they go through my meme and shitposting folder they’re going to quickly realize it wasn’t me.

I got lunch. 

It was a 45 minute ordeal in traffic.

I’m tired.

I want to turn the car back around.

Posted at at May 20, 2018 on Sunday, May 20, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Texas in my Rear [view mirror]

Seven months and another transmission rebuild later, I'm reunited with my car. 

I went to my old home group in Austin. The only people really left were the ones I had been closest to. 

They had welcomed a stranger and been kind to me. 

Sometimes the winners and the losers aren't who they say they are or who they are said to be.

I forgot about that sweet spot at about 79MPH when the whole car has this weird industrial sounding hum. 

I lock into that sound and resonate with it. It’s pleasant for some reason.

I am sitting in the nuclear reactor.

Click, set, go.

I drove through all the hues of Texas and watched the lightning lick across a wide open desert sky for hundreds of miles late last night. 

It was neat. If I could be anywhere right now this is exactly where I'd like to be.

Posted at at May 17, 2018 on Thursday, May 17, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


Melissa Etheridge's "Brave and Crazy" is on the mandatory playlist in Arizona.

I used to listen to that all the time when I was 15 and working as a tour guide for the city museum. 

It was a small town. Visitors were few and far in between.

I got picked on in school because I "wasn't from around here" and didn't go to their church. And they all laughed at my ankle monitor in the gym shower. People started to whisper about how I’d transferred here from the juvenile prison.

Their nickname for me was "Church."

Suicide was starting to cross my mind when Lizzy Londerville handed me a cassette tape of Marilyn Manson's "Antichrist Superstar."

She wrote a sweet and encouraging note and said "evil within will allow you to be you."

Never underestimate what a kind word will do to someone who hasn’t heard one in a while. I’ll circle back to this and underline it again later.

From that point forward I huddled with the goth crowd. They took me in and people mostly stopped fucking with me. 

One of the times I was heckled one of the goth boys grabbed me and made out with me. 

We hated the army recruiters. I'd walk up holding hands with one of the goth boys and we would flip through their brochures feigning STRONG interest in enlisting. It was hilarious.

We didn't really have the internet just yet — BBS and dialup shell accounts, sure — but I was born a troll. One of the goths figured out that the admin password for the LanTastic software was "Football" and I started going into home directories and downloading test answers. 

I deleted the principal's resume and I kept her dot matrix printer busy from time to time printing out Marilyn Manson lyrics. I preferred to do it when she had left for the day and I could waste all of her paper.

The one asshole who used to physically assault me and shove me into lockers and shit (no one would do anything about it) used to drive by and scream "Hey freak are you going to church?" at me when I walked to work or school.

He crashed into a tree drunk and died at 21. 

Today I listened to an old favorite album and gave my first thought in decades to those long, hot, and sleepy afternoons sitting in the Tobacco City Museum listening to Melissa Etheridge and k.d. lang, waiting for the occasional visitor who I'd be forced to say something nice about Edgerton to.
If I could go back and give some advice to 15-year-old me, it would have been to throw away the tour guide script and make up my own until someone fired me:

"Welcome! So, they used to grow tobacco here but that was a hundred years ago. Now there's just a Piggly Wiggly store and a bunch a racist shitheads. My favorite part of Edgerton is Highway 59 leading right the fuck out of it, you can see it out of this window on your left. Do you want me to show you some rusty old shit that people have found in barns and farm houses in the local area and donated to us? Some of it's kind of neat. I guess."

Melissa and k.d. were my main points of reference for being gay at the time, which everyone but me knew that I was by then. I would look at the cover of Melissa's self-titled album and I knew right then and there that I wanted to dress just like a lesbian.

Our ignorant ass principal would look at my leather bracelets and my turquoise bandanna with a rainbow on the front of it and she'd say I couldn't wear it because it was "gang related."

The goths discouraged my desire to dress like a lesbian and steered me towards such edgy and original apparel as black mascara and dog collars and Nine Inch Nails T-shirts. I sighed at everyone saying "this is the real me, expressing who I am," honestly I only dressed like that because I enjoyed that "dead inside" look in the principals eyes that told me how badly she was wishing that I would go home and put my old clothes back on.

I had a girlfriend who shared my love of Melissa and k.d. and she turned out to be a big ole lez too. She ended up turning into kind of a bitch so I just stopped calling her one day and that's okay because the only other thing we had in common besides our love of Melissa was our mutual relief that neither of us ever wanted to have sex with the other.

The last time we ever spoke on social media I casually asked her what it's like being a single mom and I haven't heard from her since.

Posted at at May 17, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


I got an especially warm welcome from Annie's home group in Chicago.

"This is Robert. I told you about him."

"Oh! Robert! Okay!"

She's their GSR. I met her sponsor. I met her daughter. It was the nicest group I've ever been to and that's saying a lot. I've been everywhere.

I had a good time. I made a point of going back a second time.

She's got a year and four months. She's got a good program and she's actually doing the whole deal. I envy her enthusiasm, bringing balloons and cakes for people and being one of those perky Type A people. And she's trying to set me up with pretty much any gay person she knows in the program but the last thing I really need is another rehab romance.

I'm like, well it's been amazing meeting you.

I still didn't really get it.

She finally explains that I had talked to her when she had 43 days clean and she was on the edge. 

I don't remember this conversation and I don't know what I said. 

But she gushed about her program and having her family and her life back.

Whatever the hell I said made her stay and I had no idea.

Posted at at May 16, 2018 on Wednesday, May 16, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

A Dream Within a Dream

I was sound asleep and cuddling with someone in my bed when the phone rang in the middle of the night.

I heard a woman on the answering machine sobbing and saying she needed to talk to me. Who in the world-? 

He said "I think it's your mother."

It was very familiar and casual like we were together or something.

I jumped out of bed and I tried to dial my mother’s number. It was some sort of complicated PBX extension mounted on the wall. 

My companion hit the "outside line" button for me.

My sister answered the phone.

I asked what was wrong and if mom was okay.

She started unloading about how bad things had gotten.

I told her look, it's your decision. This is what happens when you put a bag of dope in your arm, and if you like what you're getting out of it then keep doing it. 

I said I don't even want to talk to you. 

“You lie. And you lie. And you lie, and you lie.”

I slammed the phone down onto the receiver.

He was not even slightly fazed by this interaction.

We went back to sleep. I had a dream within my dream.

My companion was at my side and he felt like he belonged there. 

When I woke up he was there.

We were out walking around somewhere together.

It was early. There was a little mist on everything.

The sky was grey and the grass was soaked. 

Perfect hoodie weather.

The grass and the trees made me think we were somewhere in the Midwest or the Northeast.

We crossed a street. 

I told him about the dream I had.

He said he felt the same way.

My heart soared.

I kissed him.

Then I woke up alone in some Holiday Inn in fucking Texas.

I mumbled "Fuck,” instantly remembering who and where I was.

Posted at at May 15, 2018 on Tuesday, May 15, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


My mechanic is cool. Since I've been gone he's converted part of his house into a church. I can read just enough Spanish to decipher the signage.

I asked him if he was a Minister Mechanic now. He laughed and said no. He is a beautiful man with clear and kind eyes. Good man and a good father.

People ask me why I take my cars to a dude who takes months to fix my shit. I don’t know. I like this family. It’s always an experience instead of a shop transaction.

They’re always like are you in Los Angeles? Are you in Chicago? Where are you going from here?

And I say that I don’t even know anymore.

A banner on the wall said "Jesus Cristo es el Rey."

He invites me inside.

His two boys have grown up fast, they really liked me. They were happy, well socialized, totally unreserved. They climbed all over me, curled up with me, and begged me to play catch.

Their English is good but they were really young and I couldn't entirely understand them.

I got the whole "I want to play ball" part though.

I wasn't really in the mood. I was tired and had been out in the sun all day. But I didn't really get to do things like play catch, my dad wasn't that kind of person.

This is fun.

I'm not really around kids a lot. Little kids usually like me though. Maybe it's because I kind of am one and I will never get tired of their curiosity. I love telling them how things work. I love all the "why's?"

I am a terrible grownup: I shouldn't have giggled a little when I came back in and saw that one of them had locked the other one inside of a filing cabinet. But it was funny.

I miss when my niece was like that but for now she's doing the whole sullen blue haired degenerate teenager thing.

Fuck, what have I been missing my whole life.

Posted at at May 15, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Oh, “her.”

I blew the motor on my truck the day before my mechanic called me to say my car was ready.

I traveled to Austin to get it.

I was on the fence about going back to AA.

I decided that sitting alone in my hotel room nursing an 8 year old grudge sounded like an addict thing to do. 

How bad could it be?

Posted at at May 14, 2018 on Monday, May 14, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Fly Again

I kind of like having a place to go to recharge my batteries and keep most of my stuff. I'm too old and tired to move back and forth across the country all the time.

But I don't think I can adapt to just sitting around in the woods doing nothing for very long. I don't know how my mom does it, I'd have been strung up and swinging about 15 years ago. I certainly can’t do it without friends and she doesn’t really have any.

I don't mind basing my medical treatment out of Rochester and Chicago and then just coming back here every 3-6 months. I fell between the cracks everywhere else and what I'm doing right now is working out. 

My fuckhead doctor in Texas (Werntz) would just give me the once over and grunt “You look fine to me” and I couldn’t even walk to the office on days when the elevator and escalator were both out at the Embarcadero — totally normal for a 30 year old man, right — but these guys spent three weeks researching and writing up about seven years of treatment in three states for my employer. 

It took going to California and getting someone to take me seriously and give me an angiogram to figure out both of my heart mains were blocked 50% and a couple of my valves were leaking.

I told you I didn’t feel so good, you fucking idiot.

I have a gauntlet of medical appointments to go to and then I'm off the hook for three months.

I've been told not to return to work yet and I am fucking bored.
I visited my dad for the first time in 8 or 9 years, figuring I might be gone awhile.

After about 6-7 years of no contact he's cut down on his drinking and after a few cautious calls he hasn't been a jerk towards me on the phone.

He's got white hair but it's all there. He's 360 pounds if he's an ounce and mom isn't exactly dainty either so I guess I'd better stop wolfing down the carbs while I'm still kind of ahead.

He did his usual deal, showing off his gadgets and how loud his latest audio gear was. I just nodded. I have beat up 20-year old studio monitors that aren’t loud and won’t make the house rumble but they are goddamned accurate and you can hear guitar picks clicking and people breathing. To each their own.

I thoroughly approve of the vintage Mirantz amplifier in his bedroom but he doesn’t even use that.

And he's always kind of glossed over whatever I say. 

He talks at you but he's not a good listener.


It's okay.

I watched his cats intently. They were well cared for, bright eyed and friendly. 

Not like that miserable Siamese he terrorized. My parents would get it drunk or high. They had it conditioned to cry in protest when they asked if it wanted a bath, which they did constantly because they thought it was funny. The cat was so fucked up and neurotic it attacked and chased things only it could see. That poor thing hissed at and bit anyone that approached it.

I realize it’s a temperamental breed in the first place.

Their approach to parenting wasn’t too far off from that.

As I left, the older cat stood on its hind legs and wrapped his arms around my dad in a great big ole bear hug and rubbed its face on him, purring away contentedly.

I can read animals. 

They usually like me.

They’re happy.

They like him.

If they’d given off any signals of being mistreated I might have left with with a different impression.

I left thinking maybe (just maybe) the dude's finally mellowed out.

Posted at at May 13, 2018 on Sunday, May 13, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Well, hell!

I do kind of like being close to my family. Mom, my aunt, and my cousins show up randomly and that's about all I get for company.

There’s no real reason I can’t visit my father other than it always seems to be 2:00 in the morning when I’m passing through that part of the state. I do feel like I need to go see him before one or both of us kicks the bucket though. It’s been a few years.

My sister’s not too far away but she’s completely strung out and in and out of jail. She overdosed on the phone with me one of the last times we spoke. She was shooting up heroin and coke while she was gushing about how she was clean and how wonderful she was doing. Literally with a needle in her arm.

I was trying to piece together the other lies she was telling me about how her day had gone so far and I was sitting there thinking her story didn’t really add up when I heard a loud thunk and my niece and her ex husband yelling. 

The time before that, I was on the porch with her two kids and some of their friends from high school. She tried to say something relateable and what she blurted out instead was “I love crack!”

I was very embarrassed for all of them as I retreated.

When I think about calling or visiting now, I just freeze up and I think ... mmm, better not.

My brother’s 25 and he’s permanently stuck on happy. 

He shows me his legos and his stuffed dinosaurs. He has a plastic doll of some sort who drives a toy tank. 

Her name is Barbie. 

He reminds me that we have to go to Festival to get chocolate milk, bread, and Dr. Pepper. He probably has all of these things, it’s just one of the things that he knows how to say to me.

I say “We’ll go tomorrow.”

He nods and he agrees.

We always go to Festival for chocolate milk, bread, and Dr. Pepper tomorrow.

He sits there rewinding and replaying the same five seconds of Apocalypse Now over and over and over again for hours and hours on end with his headphones on. 

He giggles and presses rewind for the five hundredth time.

This right here is some good wholesome fun, the kid doesn’t even need heroin to amuse himself!

My mom and aunt checked on me on Sunday.

"What's he doing with his brakes?"

"Swearing at them, it looks like!"

Mom tagged along with me to a medical appointment in Rochester today. They're re-upping my disability for another six months and I've been told do not, do not, go back to work yet.

We don’t necessarily talk or hang out often but I do like the two and a half hour round trip in the car when she tags along and it’s just us talking. My brother’s at his program and we both get to get out of the house.

I have four more appointments to go.

And then...

I told my mom I've got the inner restlessness again. 

This idea where I go into a group home or sober living for 2-4 months here and there is kind of working out for me. Except for that whole thing with Dustin peeking out the blinds and waving his dick around and that chick who broke all the furniture and shat all over the place, but look, it makes for some unforgettable experiences for $450 a month. I can only take that bullshit for about 2-4 months at a time and then I guess I can come back home and be bored some more.

She goes "Well hell! I want to go do all of that, too!"

I grinned and high fived her.

Posted at at May 08, 2018 on Tuesday, May 8, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Purple Drank

Freddie’s been kinda tolerant of my shitposting lately. 

He likes the T-shirt I sent him, he texted me a pic of him wearing it.

He had a cowboy hat on.

He just gets sexier to me as he gets older.

I saved it as his contact photo.

Sunday morning. I text him this along with this picture. At least I got him to laugh:

I never meant to cause you any sorrow,
Even though your breath kind of stank.
I only wanted one time to see you laughing,
I only want to see you tripping on that purple drank!

Posted at at April 29, 2018 on Sunday, April 29, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


Look up at the stars,
Look up at the moon.
Only you know 
(And they know)
What they have guided you through.

Posted at at April 24, 2018 on Tuesday, April 24, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:


I started to write a haiku about visiting my family and all I came up with was:

Hell no! TMI!
Why God, Why God, Why God, Why?
I just want to die.

But I don’t like the last sentence.

“Everything those gays do is so flamboyant and dramatic. I could just set myself on fire!”
— Lucille Bluth

Posted at at April 21, 2018 on Saturday, April 21, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

101 Stories About Returning to Chicago

I finally met Annie after talking to her online for a year.

She said something about a meeting at Rivers Edge Hospital.

I grinned and said “I escaped from that place.”

She laughed and said “good for you! The staff are terrible there, they treat you like prisoners.”

I agreed. I said “it was just like being locked up in county.”

I was at the hospital for some other reason and a doctor told me I was “tangential and all over the place.”

I explained that I’d been up for a few days doing crystal meth, so of course I’m tangential and all over the place. How many years did you spend in med school to figure that out?

Well, that got me committed fast. 

The doctors at Rush put several false statements on their paperwork and I would later learn that quite a few people had reported the exact same thing to the state.

“High and not interested in getting help” is not a valid reason to invoke that process and they know it and I know it. So they made some shit up.

After detaining me under false pretenses and sending me to such squalor and filth (how this oubliette is even licensed as a healthcare facility is beyond me) these fuckers at Rivers Edge were screaming orders at me and I took exception to that. 

The first thing I did was talking them into making it a “voluntary” admission. I don’t need that shit on my record. They actually agreed because now it meant they didn’t have to take me to a judge in the morning.

Then the second thing I did was to rip the placard with my room number on it off of the wall and then I used it to jimmy open the social workers office.

There was a ring of keys in her desk drawer next to a pair of running shoes. 

And if that isn’t Providence, I don’t know what is.

I used her keys to silence an emergency exit alarm and open the staircase.

Then I walked to a bar and panhandled for bus fare and beer money.

None of the staff noticed because they were all too busy being assholes to the other inmates— errr, “patients.”

When I got home I faxed them a copy of their ring of keys and my middle finger. 🖕🏻

I think that’s when they went “oh shit” and did a census of all of their patients and noticed one missing.

I ended up on a missing and endangered list for a minute. I negotiated with them to return the keys and sneakers in exchange for my cell phone, keys, and wallet. It cost $800 in lawyers fees to make them fuck off and not press charges for stealing her sneakers.

That said, I would have gladly paid even more then that to not spend another minute in that filthy fucking shithole being treated like an inmate and screamed at by those awful people.

I also think they were all talk. I argued with Cliff a little and said there was no way in hell they were actually going to go on public record and admit to their incompetence or woefully inadequate security in any detail. Trust me, if the keys were not in that drawer I could have still gotten out. But he talked me into hiring “his guy” to mop it all up, and so I did.

You’ll have to excuse me for not “getting help” considering that’s the kind of place you’ll get sent to in this city. It’s a fucking joke. You just eat paste and shitty jail food for five days and they punt you out on the street and you fall between the cracks again.

Miracle on 34th street in my mind, hallelujah! I’m not an addict or crazy anymore! And all you had to do was put me in a filthy room and scream at me!

I just thought I was beyond help.

Maybe I was. Because as soon as I got home, I hit that pipe again and I sucked some more dick.

Posted at at April 11, 2018 on Wednesday, April 11, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Fifty to Life

My cardiologist is a cheerful and pleasant fellow. 

I might be older than him. 

He said he hopes I’m around another 50 years.

That would be really nice.

Or REALLY horrible at the rate the first 36 years went.

My current life span plus fourteen. God only knows what I’d manage to fuck up given that much time.

His research specialty just so happens to be heart disease in HIV positive patients.

The one thing they’ve all said to me is that the damage I have is probably from radiation therapy to my media sternum when I was 13 or 14(?). It was unavoidable and it gave me a bonus round of almost 25 years.

Posted at at April 11, 2018 on by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

Fuuuuuck Thaaaaat.

Oh, fuck that. 

I am not spending $100 to park my car in Chicago for two nights.

I know a little spot where I can trick the mechanical gate into opening though. 

I’m getting priced out of most of the places I like to visit. Hotels running $200-$400 a night. Parking, $50 a night. You can pretty much forget about San Francisco (unless you like crack ✅✅✅ and bedbugs ❌ and syringes sticking out of piles of shit ❌) and Key West. The latter of which has been gentrified to high hell and sucks now anyway. They’ve bulldozed anything fun and queer to make way for all the condominiums.

Save your money and just binge drink alone at home like a normal person!

I’m glad I did all this while I could. While I was young and had all my energy (and while I could (kind of) afford it.) 

A lot of people have told me this is what you do in retirement. However, I think hotels in most of those cities will be $500 - $1000 a night by then.

I got my “lifetime” national park pass for seniors and disabled folk a couple months ago. I think I can go just about anywhere for free. 

Is that all that there is left to do now?

The city’s dirty as fuck. Every Red Line car stinks like piss and has 4 people sleeping in it. Apparently things are getting bad out here. I’ve been back and forth for about 20 years and I have never seen it like this before.

Tonight I got hit up by a tragic mess of a hooker with a scary black costume wig sticking out in fifty different directions. I don’t have any idea where her mascara began and her eyeshadow ended, it just looked like she had knocked down a half bottle of tequila and then dunked her face in a bucket of black paint to make herself pretty.

The bitch looked like Coolio had fucked a raccoon.

She looked me up and down and said “Yes honey. Where are YOU going?”

I said “Home.”

“Come with me.”

“No thanks.”

I heard her mumble “dick” under her breath as I walked away.

I just want to check into my hotel and go the fuck to sleep. 

There will be no shenanigans. 

(Um, this time anyway.)

Good job, Mayor Rahm. 👍🏻

The highlight of my evening was walking behind a guy from some tree trimming service around in Target. I never saw his face (and that certainly hasn’t stopped me before) but he had this swagger in his step that reminded me of Freddie. That shit that makes your knees knock a little bit.

Now if only the tree trimming guy had jumped out of the fucking bushes (or trees?) and given me the once over and said “Yaassssssss honey where are YOU going tonight?”

I don’t know, are there any wedding chapels open at this hour?

This must be the point in my life where my winter has come and I’ll only get propositioned by people I have to pay to fuck. 

Fuck, that’s depressing.

And fuck you, I’m not even going to admit to how long I spent admiring him from a safe distance. I’m surprised I didn’t start meowling loudly and rubbing my fart box and humping on everything in Home Accessories like a cat in heat.

¡El culo quiere lo que quiere!

At a minimum I would have snatched that hookers wig off and put it on to break it down like En Vogue:

What a man what a man what a man what a mighty good man,

Yes he is!

What a man what a man what a man what a mighty good man,

I gotta say it again now!

Posted at at April 10, 2018 on Tuesday, April 10, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under:

That Place in my Heart

Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping
Heart, heart, keep on stomping

I can hear you down, 
(Heart heart, keep on stomping)
Hidden underground
Your weighted gears reveal to me
(Keep on stomping)
You're not in a place that seems very safe

And some days I had a hard time even smiling
And lately I couldn't lift myself up,
I couldn't pull myself to stand.

And I say heart, keep on stomping
I say heart, keep on stomping
I say heart, keep on stomping

And I say love, keep on trying
I say love, keep on trying,
I say love, keep on trying.

Because dear love, you're sinking
Dear love, keep swimming
Dear heart, just keep on pounding
Your whole heart must keep on pounding.

And I say heart, keep on stomping
I say heart, keep on stomping
I say heart, keep on stomping

(Not trying to be a star)
(Not trying to be)

I say love keep on trying
(That place in my heart)
I say love keep on trying
(That place in my heart)
I say love keep on trying

That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart

(Not trying to be a star)
(Not trying to be)

That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart
That place in my heart

— Taylor McFerrin (Place in My Heart lyrics) ft. Ryat

Posted at at April 09, 2018 on Monday, April 9, 2018 by By The Energizer Bunny From Hell |   | Filed under: